What goes around.... (Spencer) TW: Mentions of torture/Violence, traumatic flashbacks

[callmeemily]

Trigger Warning: This thread contains references to violence, torture and traumatic flashbacks. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to tweet @thestarsplay for clarification. Thanks!


Every night, it was the same.

Every night, Raleigh woke up bathed in a cold sweat, her heart pounding in her throat as her stomach churned, and she opened her eyes and saw the light was on, and if she couldn't handle it, if she couldn't pull herself back from the blind panic, she'd muffle the sounds of her tears.

She didn't want them knowing. It was better than when she was alone. She knew that because she'd done it, she'd been alone and fallen asleep in the middle of the afternoon, and it didn't go well.

It was horrible. But Spencer was home at night, she knew he was, and so she'd be alright. She knew she would be.

Except tonight. Tonight, she wrenched awake, pulling herself out of the terrors she'd been unable to otherwise escape. She wrenched awake.... and the room was pitch black. It was black, it was dark and normally she left the light on, she had a nightlight just in case, but it was pitch black. She wasn't able to stop the hiccuped sob that slipped from her lips, and she couldn't stop her words. "No, no, no- No, this can't- This isn't happening-" She's trying to move back, back and away, but her hands reach and find nothing, and she starts to cry. "Please- Please, don't leave me in here-"

She doesn't realise, yet, that she's awake. That she's no there, anymore, and she's shaking as she pulls herself into a tiny ball in the dark and cries, not realising that there is no spell hereto block sound, and Spencer's room is on the other side of the wall.

Comments

[doublethepain]

He's been lying awake in bed and staring up at the ceiling for the past forty-five minutes--he's been counting. He keeps sweeping his hand to his right, searching for Joel's but coming up with just empty space and it's endlessly frustrating because it's the first night they haven't spent together since what had happened after the lighthouse and Spencer can't get to sleep. The power had gone out about twenty minutes ago, something wrong with the circuit breaker, he's sure; but he has no interest in going downstairs to fix it right now because as much as hates to admit it, there's still a lingering fear that comes with having been attacked in his own home.

It's not like he's alone in the house, Raleigh is on the other side of the wall, but that doesn't stop him from thinking he hears the sound of shattering glass coming from the library downstairs or hearing the creak of footsteps that aren't Joel's, and he lets out a shuddering sigh as he brings a hand up to rub at his temple. He can feel the headache coming on, it happens every time he starts to get stressed, and the anise seed is in the drawer of his bedside table but there's no real point in taking any when he can't get to bed in the first place. He should call Joel, he thinks, even though they'd talked for over an hour before bed while Joel had been working on late-night inventory for the store.

It's past one now and Spencer is just rolling over to reach for his phone when he hears her. He sits straight up, eyes wide as he listens to her plead, beg, and he feels like he's paralyzed with confused fear before snapping out of it and wrenching open one of his dresser drawers and retrieving a flashlight he keeps handy for when he needs to navigate his way through the dark to fix a blown fuse. He rushes out of his room and to the next, not bothering to hesitate before pushing the door open and shining the light inside.

She looks terrified, her knees curled up to her chest and tears streaming down her face and Spencer shines the light around the room just to make sure there's no Mark Fuller there to hurt them before holding his free hand up to show he means no harm. "Raleigh, it's me. It's Spencer, okay? You were having a dream, it was just a dream, there's nobody here who's going to hurt you but I need you to tell me it's okay to come in. Can you do that for me?"

[callmeemily]

She can't see him. She can't see him, because he's behind the light, because everything's dark and he's behind the light that's blinding, and she was blind whenever they opened the bathroom door, whenever the darkness suddenly had light, and she pulls away like she's trying to hide from him.

"Please- Please, don't- Don't leave me here. I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I- Please, I didn't do anything-" She was pleading with him, and then the light somehow caught, it caught on the mirror on the dresser, and she could actually see his face, for a split second. "Spencer?!" It's like she doesn't believe it, she doesn't believe it but she's desperate. "Please- I- I'm sorry, I- I can't- I can't-" She's not able to say what she can't do, but the last five words she says sound broken. "Please don't leave me here."

[doublethepain]

He aims the light a bit lower so it's not shining directly into her poor eyes--sometimes it's hard for even him to believe that he's actually quite intellectual--and he isn't quite sure what to do when she starts begging again until she says his name. His eyes widen and he nods, taking a few steps into the room before slowing his pace back down again. "Raleigh, yeah, it's me. I'm not going to leave you, I promise, I promise."

He wonders why the light keeps shaking before he realizes that it's his hand, he's trembling and it's because the things she's saying resonates so deeply with him. His throat suddenly goes dry and he feels sick from the knot forming in his stomach. His knees buckle just as he reaches the foot of the bed and he has to sit. He's trying to keep it together but he has to sit because he'd made that same plea to Joel in the lighthouse, he'd begged Joel not to leave him more than once that night--Don't leave. I won't.--and god, he wishes his boyfriend could be here tonight because he doesn't know how to do this, he doesn't know how to take care of someone when he can't even really take care of himself.

It's the way Raleigh sounds so utterly broken, though, that forces him to take a few deep breaths and look back up at her as he tries to recalls the things Joel had said to him to calm him down. It had been the recitation of The Once and Future King that had done it, that had steadied his heart rate in the ambulance, but he's not so sure that will work as well with Raleigh so he tries something else. "I'm not going anywhere, we're at home, okay? You're home, and I'll stay here with you as long as you want." He'll sleep on the floor, or probably not sleep at all, but he doesn't care. "You can take my hand if you want, I'm right here."

[callmeemily]

They're at home. They're at home, and Raleigh doesn't even know what home is, what home should be anymore because she's lost it, she's lost so much of her home, but he says they're at home and she nods, she nods emphatically and she's terrified, she's terrified that somehow he's wrong, he's wrong and they're both trapped, or she's dreaming, she's seeing things in the dark, but she's so terrified of being alone.

"He- He locked-" She's shaking, and she's been holding this all in- even when he'd find her before, the times he'd just known, somehow, and she hadn't been okay and he'd asked to come in and he'd sat there with her, she would be okay because she was holding it in, but there'd been light, there'd been light and she could hold it in, but now? Now she couldn't do it anymore. "He was this old man, he was lost and old and I tried to h-help him, but when I got into the alley his partner grabbed me, and-" She's shaking so much, but she's just talking finally and she's never told him any of it.

"If I said anything, he'd break my neck and I tried- I tried, with my phone, but he took it away and then he cut open my foot so I couldn't run away and they locked me in a room, they turned off the light and they left me alone-" She sobbed when she said it, and more than anyone, more than anyone Spencer knew why. He knew why it was so bad. "No one would m-miss me, He said he chose me because no one would- That I'd die, and no one would know, it was my fault because I did something, he said I knew what I did and I told Jason my name and I started going out, and they shut me in the room before they were going to kill me, I-"

Her voice cracks, and she's curled into herself, and she needs another person; she needs it, but she can't articulate asking, she can't articulate anything. but she's needing him from where she's this ball of pain and fear. "I didn't do anything," she whispers, and finally her eyes find his.

[doublethepain]

She hasn't told him any of this before and he hadn't asked. Joel knows, Spencer's aware of that, but he hasn't asked him either because there's a hugely selfish part of him that hadn't wanted to hear the trauma Raleigh had gone through because he's so very much had enough of it all. He's lost too many people, there's been an ache in his chest for so long that he hadn't even noticed it anymore until being with Joel had slowly helped to make it fade away.

Knowing how close Raleigh had come to death again makes him want to be violently ill, it makes him want to be slow and precise with his vengeance and perhaps that's what scares him most of all. He remembers Mark's words as he'd gleefully choked the life out of Spencer--I get to kill him. Slowly. And you get to watch. Don't worry, I'll make it last.--and he can perfectly visualize how close Joel had come to killing Mark himself; and the thing is, Spencer knows he'd be capable of that for his boyfriend, he'd do anything for Joel. He just hadn't realized the lengths he thinks he might be willing to go for Raleigh, as well.

He's careful about inching closer to her before slowly reaching out to take her hand in his, squeezing gently because he doesn't want to make any sudden movements that might frighten her. He places his other hand on her knee in what he hopes is a reassuring touch and he ducks his head a bit to make sure she doesn't break from his gaze. "You didn't do anything," he echoes, nodding firmly. "You didn't deserve this. I wish I could have stopped it, I wish I could have switched places with you, I wish so much that you didn't have to be going through this because you're right, you didn't do anything. The man who did this to you, he was wrong."

He shifts so he's on his knees and tugs lightly at her hand, wanting to pull her into a hug if she'll allow it. "You would have been missed, I would have noticed and Joel would have noticed and god, Raleigh, he was just so wrong. That's why you're still here and he's not, but it's not going to happen to you again."

[callmeemily]

Spencer tugs her hand and she just moves. It's a flurry of activity when she'd been painfully still since he'd opened the door, but she's abruptly there, she's there and she's so thankful that there's another person that she can't take it. She's clinging to him, she's as close as she can get because if he's here it means she's not there.

"I keep- I have these dreams, and it's- I knew I'd get them, I knew I would, but I can't- It's dark and I can't-" Tears soak into his shirt, and she takes a deep breath, and then another, trying to get through to herself it's not real. She's not there still, she's safe, she's home the way that Spencer said she was.

"He's dead," she says thickly. "Levi- He's dead. Levi killed him." That's what she thinks happened, she doesn't know have any reason to doubt it. "I'm okay. He saved m-my life, he's dead."

[doublethepain]

It's foreign, it's not what he's used to because he simply doesn't hug anyone aside from Joel. He's never been comfortable with the close proximity, the physical contact that implies emotional connection, but Spencer is finding that it's much easier to do when the situation is dire, when it's someone he lives with, when it's someone he actually cares about. He holds her close to him, mindful of her injuries, and smooths a hand over her hair as he tries to urge her to calm down.

"That's right, he's dead. He's gone, Raleigh, you're safe and he can't hurt you again," he says, gently rocking her against his chest as he closes his eyes and wills his own memories to stop creeping to the forefront of his mind. He can't afford to keep thinking about this, to keep being reminded of being ziptied to that chair and feeling the most vulnerable he's ever been in his life.

He has dreams, too, the kind that make his eyes fly open in the middle of the night along with a choked sob that makes Joel's arms tighten around him every time. The only reason they aren't worse, he knows, is because of the anise seed and he feels like a fool for not offering it to Raleigh sooner. Until he can get back to his room to get it, though, he knows he needs to be here. He'd promised Raleigh that he'd be here for her in times like this as often as he can, and he hasn't forgotten, especially because he still feels a pang of guilt every time he sees her on her flinch with pain or offer a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. He notices every time even if she doesn't know it, and he wishes he could take it all away for her. He wishes he could have been a better friend, had more intuition about those texts, but all he can do now is try to make up for it by being here.

"You're not alone. You're not, you don't have to go through this alone because I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, okay? He's gone, you're not there anymore, you're safe at home and I'm here for you."

[callmeemily]

Now that she knows - she's awake and she knows that she's alive, that she's not in the room, that Spencer's here and she's not in the dark, she's calming down. She clings to him like he's a lifeline in the beginning, her face buried in his shoulder, until she can pull in a breath, then another one.

"Okay," she says it quietly, the smallest whisper as he reassures her, and she forces herself to take a deep breath. "Okay. Okay." She finally can pull back, and her eyes search his in the half dark. Hers are swollen from crying, her face blotchy with red and pale. "I'm... I'm okay, I- I freaked out because of the dark," she says, like that's the only reason even though it's anything but. "Did.... Did I wake you?" She's hoping not. She's hoping she didn't, and her brows actually furrow with concern as she sniffles, and she's not fully pulled away and she doesn't feel like she will ever, even though she obviously will. "It just... it was hard."

[doublethepain]

He's not sure the truth will help much right now but he sees no sense in hiding it so he shakes his head at the question, still stroking her hair even though she's pulled away a bit, though he doesn't meet her eyes. "You didn't wake me," he admits. His voice wavers and he's not sure whether its out of embarrassment or the frustration of having to admit any of this out loud. "I--I didn't manage to get to sleep. Joel, he-- He's stuck at the store, he's doing inventory, and it's the first time he hasn't slept next to me since the weekend of the lighthouse." He sighs, feeling foolish now that he's said it. "It's harder than I anticipated."

He can feel the way she's calming little by little, though at this point, he has no qualms about staying here all night if she needs him. His mind wanders back to the anise seed in his room and now that Raleigh seems to be doing better, he thinks that maybe it's not such a bad time to bring it up. "The nightmares," he starts slowly, biting down on his bottom lip before continuing. "I have something that might stop them. Dull them, at least, so you won't wake up like this."

[callmeemily]

"Do you want to stay?" she whispers the offer, even though her mind grasps onto it with both hands - Please, please stay, I don't want to be alone. She doesn't say that, though, asking the simple question instead. She doesn't quite expect him to say yes; she doesn't expect much of anything right now, besides she does hope that he'd not take away the light.

Least of all, she doesn't expect him to say that he can stop her nightmares. Raleigh's brows furrow in confusion. "You can stop the nightmares? With like... drugs?" Because she's got no idea, just that it sounds like a drug, and because he's not Joel, because as far as she knows, he's human - her mind just jumps to pharmaceuticals and she's even more confused.

[doublethepain]

"I'll stay." He says it right away, without any thought, and it surprises him until he realizes that even if he won't be able to get to sleep tonight, he at least wants to give Raleigh the chance. Even if she wakes up again, at least she won't be alone this time.

He shakes his head at the question of drugs and if he's honest, he isn't entirely sure how the anise seed works, just that it gets the job done well enough for him to be able to handle the nightmares without waking up consumed with panic. "It's-- Joel gave it to me, it's called anise seed. You're supposed to sleep with it in your pillowcase, drinking it seems to help, too. It keeps the nightmares at bay."

[callmeemily]

She's so thankful that he says he'll stay, it's clear on her face. That it makes this liveable, makes her not be afraid of all of this quite as much. Her being alone is the problem. Her being alone in the dark, and she nods.

He talks about the anise seed, and she nods when he mentions Joel, and she speaks quietly. "I'll try anything?" She pulls in a deep breath, and her chin wobbles before she looks away from him. "This..." She's confessing it, even though- even though she knows in the past she's told him she's alright, that she's handling things okay. "This isn't the first time," she says quietly, her brows furrowing. "I just- normally, when I wake up, there's light, so- so I can- uh. So I can be quiet? I just- I thought it was real, because of the dark. That I- That it was real, but normaly... I don't want to wake you up, and-"

It's an odd sort of confession; since the beginning, Spencer's said he would be there if she needed him, he's offered and the few times he's noticed, it's been helpful, but she's telling him - she's telling him about the rest. "So if there's something to make it not happen..." She nodded, and finally her eyes flick to his, dark and worried.