What goes around.... (Spencer) TW: Mentions of torture/Violence, traumatic flashbacks

[callmeemily]

Trigger Warning: This thread contains references to violence, torture and traumatic flashbacks. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to tweet @thestarsplay for clarification. Thanks!


Every night, it was the same.

Every night, Raleigh woke up bathed in a cold sweat, her heart pounding in her throat as her stomach churned, and she opened her eyes and saw the light was on, and if she couldn't handle it, if she couldn't pull herself back from the blind panic, she'd muffle the sounds of her tears.

She didn't want them knowing. It was better than when she was alone. She knew that because she'd done it, she'd been alone and fallen asleep in the middle of the afternoon, and it didn't go well.

It was horrible. But Spencer was home at night, she knew he was, and so she'd be alright. She knew she would be.

Except tonight. Tonight, she wrenched awake, pulling herself out of the terrors she'd been unable to otherwise escape. She wrenched awake.... and the room was pitch black. It was black, it was dark and normally she left the light on, she had a nightlight just in case, but it was pitch black. She wasn't able to stop the hiccuped sob that slipped from her lips, and she couldn't stop her words. "No, no, no- No, this can't- This isn't happening-" She's trying to move back, back and away, but her hands reach and find nothing, and she starts to cry. "Please- Please, don't leave me in here-"

She doesn't realise, yet, that she's awake. That she's no there, anymore, and she's shaking as she pulls herself into a tiny ball in the dark and cries, not realising that there is no spell hereto block sound, and Spencer's room is on the other side of the wall.

Comments

[callmeemily]

Spencer tugs her hand and she just moves. It's a flurry of activity when she'd been painfully still since he'd opened the door, but she's abruptly there, she's there and she's so thankful that there's another person that she can't take it. She's clinging to him, she's as close as she can get because if he's here it means she's not there.

"I keep- I have these dreams, and it's- I knew I'd get them, I knew I would, but I can't- It's dark and I can't-" Tears soak into his shirt, and she takes a deep breath, and then another, trying to get through to herself it's not real. She's not there still, she's safe, she's home the way that Spencer said she was.

"He's dead," she says thickly. "Levi- He's dead. Levi killed him." That's what she thinks happened, she doesn't know have any reason to doubt it. "I'm okay. He saved m-my life, he's dead."

[doublethepain]

It's foreign, it's not what he's used to because he simply doesn't hug anyone aside from Joel. He's never been comfortable with the close proximity, the physical contact that implies emotional connection, but Spencer is finding that it's much easier to do when the situation is dire, when it's someone he lives with, when it's someone he actually cares about. He holds her close to him, mindful of her injuries, and smooths a hand over her hair as he tries to urge her to calm down.

"That's right, he's dead. He's gone, Raleigh, you're safe and he can't hurt you again," he says, gently rocking her against his chest as he closes his eyes and wills his own memories to stop creeping to the forefront of his mind. He can't afford to keep thinking about this, to keep being reminded of being ziptied to that chair and feeling the most vulnerable he's ever been in his life.

He has dreams, too, the kind that make his eyes fly open in the middle of the night along with a choked sob that makes Joel's arms tighten around him every time. The only reason they aren't worse, he knows, is because of the anise seed and he feels like a fool for not offering it to Raleigh sooner. Until he can get back to his room to get it, though, he knows he needs to be here. He'd promised Raleigh that he'd be here for her in times like this as often as he can, and he hasn't forgotten, especially because he still feels a pang of guilt every time he sees her on her flinch with pain or offer a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. He notices every time even if she doesn't know it, and he wishes he could take it all away for her. He wishes he could have been a better friend, had more intuition about those texts, but all he can do now is try to make up for it by being here.

"You're not alone. You're not, you don't have to go through this alone because I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, okay? He's gone, you're not there anymore, you're safe at home and I'm here for you."

[callmeemily]

Now that she knows - she's awake and she knows that she's alive, that she's not in the room, that Spencer's here and she's not in the dark, she's calming down. She clings to him like he's a lifeline in the beginning, her face buried in his shoulder, until she can pull in a breath, then another one.

"Okay," she says it quietly, the smallest whisper as he reassures her, and she forces herself to take a deep breath. "Okay. Okay." She finally can pull back, and her eyes search his in the half dark. Hers are swollen from crying, her face blotchy with red and pale. "I'm... I'm okay, I- I freaked out because of the dark," she says, like that's the only reason even though it's anything but. "Did.... Did I wake you?" She's hoping not. She's hoping she didn't, and her brows actually furrow with concern as she sniffles, and she's not fully pulled away and she doesn't feel like she will ever, even though she obviously will. "It just... it was hard."

[doublethepain]

He's not sure the truth will help much right now but he sees no sense in hiding it so he shakes his head at the question, still stroking her hair even though she's pulled away a bit, though he doesn't meet her eyes. "You didn't wake me," he admits. His voice wavers and he's not sure whether its out of embarrassment or the frustration of having to admit any of this out loud. "I--I didn't manage to get to sleep. Joel, he-- He's stuck at the store, he's doing inventory, and it's the first time he hasn't slept next to me since the weekend of the lighthouse." He sighs, feeling foolish now that he's said it. "It's harder than I anticipated."

He can feel the way she's calming little by little, though at this point, he has no qualms about staying here all night if she needs him. His mind wanders back to the anise seed in his room and now that Raleigh seems to be doing better, he thinks that maybe it's not such a bad time to bring it up. "The nightmares," he starts slowly, biting down on his bottom lip before continuing. "I have something that might stop them. Dull them, at least, so you won't wake up like this."

[callmeemily]

"Do you want to stay?" she whispers the offer, even though her mind grasps onto it with both hands - Please, please stay, I don't want to be alone. She doesn't say that, though, asking the simple question instead. She doesn't quite expect him to say yes; she doesn't expect much of anything right now, besides she does hope that he'd not take away the light.

Least of all, she doesn't expect him to say that he can stop her nightmares. Raleigh's brows furrow in confusion. "You can stop the nightmares? With like... drugs?" Because she's got no idea, just that it sounds like a drug, and because he's not Joel, because as far as she knows, he's human - her mind just jumps to pharmaceuticals and she's even more confused.

[doublethepain]

"I'll stay." He says it right away, without any thought, and it surprises him until he realizes that even if he won't be able to get to sleep tonight, he at least wants to give Raleigh the chance. Even if she wakes up again, at least she won't be alone this time.

He shakes his head at the question of drugs and if he's honest, he isn't entirely sure how the anise seed works, just that it gets the job done well enough for him to be able to handle the nightmares without waking up consumed with panic. "It's-- Joel gave it to me, it's called anise seed. You're supposed to sleep with it in your pillowcase, drinking it seems to help, too. It keeps the nightmares at bay."

[callmeemily]

She's so thankful that he says he'll stay, it's clear on her face. That it makes this liveable, makes her not be afraid of all of this quite as much. Her being alone is the problem. Her being alone in the dark, and she nods.

He talks about the anise seed, and she nods when he mentions Joel, and she speaks quietly. "I'll try anything?" She pulls in a deep breath, and her chin wobbles before she looks away from him. "This..." She's confessing it, even though- even though she knows in the past she's told him she's alright, that she's handling things okay. "This isn't the first time," she says quietly, her brows furrowing. "I just- normally, when I wake up, there's light, so- so I can- uh. So I can be quiet? I just- I thought it was real, because of the dark. That I- That it was real, but normaly... I don't want to wake you up, and-"

It's an odd sort of confession; since the beginning, Spencer's said he would be there if she needed him, he's offered and the few times he's noticed, it's been helpful, but she's telling him - she's telling him about the rest. "So if there's something to make it not happen..." She nodded, and finally her eyes flick to his, dark and worried.