callmeemily | Calling home (spencer)

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Calling home (spencer)

It's purposeful, the time she looks for Spencer. Joel's not home - he's not home on purpose, because Raleigh - she can't forget, right now, about what he said about not thinking about anything that'd happened to her. That's not what he'd said, of course - He'd said I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself for what you have or haven't done, but what she'd heard...

It was very different. It was harsher, because she was harsher on herself than Joel ever would be to her. So she finds Spencer when Joel isn't home on purpose, because she knows that this is going to be hard, that it's going to be hard on her and she's incredibly scared, and she knows that she's not going to be able to hide how difficult it is.

She's grateful, though, for what Joel did for her. That he'd helped her when her leg was messed up, that he'd been there for her more than once. With the letter. She's grateful, oddly, for the reminder that she shouldn't slip, that she's doing the right thing keeping a lot of this to herself; it's probably not what he meant, but she can only think of it that way. But Spencer... Spencer's different.

Spencer's safe. He knows, and he understands. He understands the things with Mark. He understands a lot of what happened, and that's why she knocks - absurdly, she knocks - on the doorframe of the living room, and she's actually wearing a set of pajamas that she only wears when she's not feeling well. It's the ugly sweater he gave her the first day she stayed here and a pair of his old sweatpants; Raleigh helped herself to the pile of old clothes long ago, and Spencer hadn't seemed to mind.

"Hey, you busy? I... was sort of thinking to make that phonecall," she said quietly as Huxley lifted his head from where he'd been curled up against Spencer's leg, and when Raleigh talked his tail slowly started to thump on the couch - he always seemed glad to see her, even though he was still pretty new.

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He glances over his shoulder at her when he hears the rap on the doorframe, smiling softly when he takes in Raleigh's appearance. Joel's attending to the store and Spencer had planned to head over a bit later with Huxley and some take-out from their favorite Chinese restaurant, but he's spent the last forty-five minutes staring into the flames flickering in the fireplace and thinking about their surrogate and the plans they've been making for their family. He pauses every so often to grin down at Huxley and give him a belly rub or a scratch behind the ears but he can't keep his mind from wandering back to the baby they're going to have one day, the future he and Joel are going to build together.

His smile fades a bit when he hears her request, the one he's been waiting for since they'd discussed it a couple weeks ago, but he's already nodding as he gets to his feet. "I'm free, of course I am," he tells her, crossing his arms over his chest as he takes a few steps toward her. He hesitates, narrowing his eyes back at the couh before looking back at her and gives a sheepish shrug. "I-- Was there somewhere in particular you wanted to--" He doesn't really know if this needs any sort of muted fanfare or ceremony, doesn't know if there's a safe part of the house she'd like to make the call from, so he lets the question hang in the air before clearing his throat.

"By the way, Joel and I were cleaning the guest bedroom and clearing out the attic before his parents came to stay, I found this box of clothes." He gestures at the sweatshirt and sweatpants, both too big on her because they're his clothes on her petite frame. "It was my mom's, she was a couple inches taller than you but I think-- Well, if you don't think it's too morbid or too odd, you're free to go through it if you like. Dresses, jeans, tops, some jewelry, there's all sorts of things that I never really got around to-- to donating or throwing out."

He doesn't know if it's too strange a thing to offer but it's something that's been on his mind since he'd rediscovered the boxes in the attic. If Raleigh wants to go through the clothes before he finally parts with them, Spencer would be happy to let her have whatever she wants.

Honestly, she doesn't know what she's doing. Why she's doing it. Well, she knows why, but not anything else. But still, Spencer asks if there's somewhere particular, and it's incredibly sweet of him. Forcing a small smile, she's trying not to be just as nervous as she is. She knows what she has to do. Both of them know what she's got to do, and that's why she's just sort of... there.

"Here's okay, I just- I mean I don't even know what you'd do, I just... wanted someone around?" Honestly, she doesn't know why. Why she'd want someone with her when she knows it's going to be incredibly difficult. When she knows she's going to cry.

She's grateful, though, for the distraction that the box of clothes brings. She looks a little surprised, but Raleigh nods. "I'd love to take a look," she said with a smile. "I mean, as long as you're sure you don't mind?" Her eyes searched his just to make sure he really was okay with her looking at - and possibly wearing - Vera's things. "Thank you for thinking of me." She's sure she can find things in it that are useful, especially because she's still trying to watch all of her money closely since she's not really got any income right now while she gets the bakery set up with both of their help. The money Spencer invested is safe in an account just for the bakery, and she intends to keep it that way as much as she can.

She's got her cellphone with her, and she just settles herself on the couch, grateful for the fire, too. It's warm, and she's got this thing that just sort of started cropping up after she got away from the motel. She's always cold; that's why she's all wrapped up even now, she's always cold and the fire helps.

"I wouldn't have offered if I thought I might mind," he tells her with a reassuring smile. It doesn't reach his eyes, but it's still a smile that's genuine. If Raleigh can make good use out of the things that had belonged to his mother, Spencer would prefer that to seeing random people around town in a familiar scarf or dress or top that he's sure might stop him in his tracks. "Besides, as glad as I am that you're wearing that sweater rather than burning it, I imagine it's not exactly the most ideal thing you'd want to wear. Then again, I've never really been up-to-date with fashion trends, maybe sweaters like that are in now." He pauses, furrowing his brow. "They're not in now, are they?"

He doesn't know why he's rambling about things that really don't matter right now--not that fashion has ever really mattered to him in the first place, he buys what he buys and wears what he wears, sometimes he'll receive surprise compliments and other times odd, distasteful once-overs, but it's all the same to him--and moreover, he doesn't know why he's the one shifting nervously from foot to foot even as he watches Raleigh cross the room to sink down onto the couch. He hesitates before following her, hovering awkwardly at the arm of the couch before sitting on the edge and wringing his hands in his lap.

"Should-- Should I be do anything? I could get you some tea. Or-- or cocoa? My mom used to make me cocoa if my brother or I had a bad day, it somehow always managed to make things a little better." He'd tried it after he'd been released from his jail cell, after he'd scrubbed the word 'murderer' off his garage door upon arriving home, and of course, it hadn't worked; but he remembers a time when it had. He doesn't need anything like that so much anymore now that he has Joel, but it had been a welcome remedy when he'd been in high school.

He bites down on his lip, willing himself to keep his mouth shut because this is Raleigh's time, Raleigh's moment, and she hardly needs him to work himself into a chattering mess. "Or I could wait until after the call, that's probably better, right?" He shakes his head at himself, running a hand through his hair and giving it a little tug so that when he pulls it away, he probably looks ridiculous; but he gives her an apologetic look before moving so that he's sitting on a cushion rather than the arm of the sofa, inching a bit closer to her.

"Okay. Okay, mouth shut now. Whenever you're ready to do this, just remember that I'll be right here the whole time. If you need to take my hand or-- or if you need to cry or anything, it's fine. I'll be right here."

"Have you seen me? I'm less about what's in now, and what's okay to be washed when it's covered in flour." Which isn't exactly true; she wants to look better, sometimes. Sometimes, there's people for her to dress up for, maybe, but...

That's sort of a different conversation.

"But... I'll definitely look, thank you. I'm- I mean, you maybe have been able to tell, but I'm not the girliest girl in the world." But maybe she'd be a little more dresses and that kind of thing if she had the chance.

Raleigh looks down at the phone in her hand when he offers to make her cocoa, and she actually considers it - calling her mom while he's gone, so it's over with, but she shakes her head. "I'm okay," and she's not okay, she has to do this and it's something that scares her, but what else is she going to do? What other option does she have?

She can't live in fear of the unknown for the rest of her life. Taking a deep breath, Raleigh dials the number from memory, and she shifts as the phone rings, moving from sitting cross-legged to having her knees up against her chest as she looks over at Spencer.

Hello, you've reached Emily Gregson, If you'd like, you can leave a message at the beep...

She can't help the sigh of relief that slips from her lips. and she clears her throat, finally speaking after the tone. Her voice sounds raw, but at least she's saying something, right?

"Mom? It's... It's Raleigh, I- I should have called you sooner, but things-"

What she doesn't expect is the sudden sound of the phone getting picked up, of her mother's frantic voice. Raleigh?! Baby, is that you?

Her eyes flick to Spencer's before welling with tears, and she covers them with a hand as she closes them tightly. "Yeah, Mom. It's me. I-" She's interrupted by a slew of questions - first, if she's alright, if she's safe, but after Raleigh reassures her, it shifts to a rather sharp Where have you been? I've been worried sick.

"I'm- Some stuff happened at school, I- I had to leave, and I'm in Maine-"

Maine?! Spencer can hear her mother through the phone; the speaker makes her voice tinny, but it's loud enough that Raleigh winces, and she can't help the way she rubs in between her eyebrows. Her mom (corrrectly) assumes that her dad's involved. She asks where, she gets specifics because she pushes for them, but what she doesn't expect - of course she doesn't expect it, is-

I'm coming up there to bring you home. "What? Mom, you don't- You don't have to do that. You don't have to come up here, and I'm-"

She can't say that. Not now, not after everything she's done, how much she didn't tell her mother. The woman thought she was dead, how can she tell her that she's not coming home?

"Things are going really well for me, right now. I'm- I'm actually sort of starting a business?" She paused, and then- Spencer's never heard her sound more tired. "... I'm not really cut out for med school, Mom. And I left before finals, anyway, I didn't finish-"

There's another pause. ".... Okay. Okay, I guess- I mean, of course. Of course you can come up here, and no- No, I promise, I'm not being 'held up here'. Daddy's not here, okay? ... And yeah, this is my new number. Yeah. You can call me any time."

She's curled herself into a tiny ball on the couch - even more pulled in than she was before, and her accent's getting thicker with every word, and she's just sort of trying to figure out what to say, when- "I know, Mom. I know, I'm sorry I didn't call you, I didn't-" Her voice cracked. "I can't explain. I can't. There's no explanation, I just- I couldn't, and then- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? I'm alright now, I promise, and I'm sorry I didn't call. I'm sorry."

It's impossible to say enough, and her voice is thick with emotion. "Yeah. Yeah, Mom, I know. I know, I'm sorry. I- I love you, too. And yeah, I'll text you the address, okay? And we'll- we'll figure out when. Listen, I- I have to go, okay? I know, I just- The oven's- Yeah. Yeah. I love you. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Okay. Bye."

Hanging up the phone, she looks over at Spencer, and her eyes are shiny with tears. "So apparently my mom's coming to visit and try to take me home." She does a good job managing the words, managing all of the words before her face sort of twists and she starts to cry, her hand shaking as she presses it to her mouth. She held it together while she was on the phone, but she just... can't, anymore.

Spencer listens to one side of the conversation he can hear while trying to look like he's not really listening, which is ridiculous considering he'd been asked by Raleigh herself to be here for the call. He can't seem to stop fidgeting, twirling his thumbs in his lap and shifting on the couch and bouncing his knee, but he doesn't feel right standing back up because he doesn't want Raleigh to panic or think he's trying to leave. He'd promised to be here, to be supportive, and Spencer fully intends on doing just that; but he can't help but be nervous on his friend's behalf.

He winces when he hears Raleigh tell her mother that she can come up to Siren Cove, can hear bits and pieces of the woman on the other end when the level of her voice rises, and Spencer's chest starts to ache when Raleigh starts to apologize. It's as if she starts and simply can't stop, she keeps saying it, and it reminds him of when he'd seen the shattered glass in the library. He couldn't stop apologizing, and he hadn't really known why because it hadn't been his fault, just like Raleigh and Joel had told him. Still, he'd felt responsible in his way, a way he'll never be able to make much sense of, and he thinks he and Raleigh are similar in that way.

She hadn't asked for this life, but she'd made the most of it. The bakery is ambitious but Spencer has the utmost faith in her, is one hundred percent certain that she's capable of making it a success, and that's the reason why he'd offered to back it in the first place. Still, it doesn't seem that Raleigh's mother is very convinced, though Spencer would be more than happy to help prove her wrong if he's ever given the chance.

When Raleigh finally hangs up and turns to him with tears in her eyes, he can't even bring himself to offer a reassuring smile. He pulls her into a hug without a second thought, something he wouldn't do with anyone else who isn't his husband, and barely even notices how quickly his sleeve wettens with the tears. "You're twenty-four years old," he reminds her, smoothing down her hair as he speaks. "She can come to visit all she wants but if you don't want to leave, she can't force you. I'll make damn sure of that, all right? I promise."

It's one of the first times that she's actually acknowledged - mindfully, completely acknowledged - that she's taking Spencer's support. She asked for it, he gave it, she has it, and it's okay, because he's here. He's here and she's not alone; he says the exact right thing, the correct thing, and it's what she desperately needs to hear.

There's something about being by yourself; you know you're the only one you can count on. You don't reach out as much because there's no point, but something's changed with Raleigh. It's been shifting for weeks, it's been since the cruise that she's starting to not only get her feet under her, but to figure out where she fits in the world, with Spencer and Joel, with her family, now - all of it.

So right now, she cries and it's okay, because she's overwhelmed and scared and this was one of the hardest things she's done emotionally; when she finally rests her forehead on his shoulder, when she's gotten ahold of herself enough so that she can really talk, she takes a deep breath. "I don't want to leave. I don't. There's nothing for me back home, and I'm- I'm happy, mostly. I just- I hurt her so much?" It's a question because she doesn't know what to do about it.

There's a feeling that she needs to make it right, somehow. She pulls back from Spencer so she can look at him, and her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, still damp as she sniffles once. "I'm scared, Spencer. I don't want to go back home, but how can I tell her that I have a new here, and it's better than it was with her? She thought I was dead." She's twisting her hands together without actually thinking about it and it's an almost perfect representation of how she's feeling, her fingers reddening from the pressure.

"Well, I'm not sure I'd use those exact words, first of all." He's not being facetious, he doesn't crack a grin or a even a hint of a smile, there's only thoughtfulness in his expression as he considers what Raleigh could possibly say to appease the situation. "I think that before she arrives, you're going to have to accept that there might not be a right way of going about this. You took a very brave first step, you really did, and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this but I'm going to do it anyway: it's going to be difficult. Probably for longer than you'd like it to be. Your mother might feel resentment, she might be angry, she might lash out in ways that are hurtful. But ultimately, what you should try to remember is that she loves you and above everything else, she's just going to be so relieved that you're alive."

He tries to imagine what he'd do if his brother were ever to walk through the front door with the explanation that for the past two and a half years, Spencer should really have been mourning for just one person. The mere thought of it causes his chest to ache and that's just the thought. He can't imagine what sort of roller coaster of emotional turmoil Raleigh's mother must be going through right now, but Spencer knows that Raleigh would never have wanted to cause any of it.

He covers her hands with his own, squeezing lightly to encourage her to stop her fidgeting and finally offers her a reassuring smile. "I'd be scared, too," he admits, "but you have a lot of people here who will back you up if you need us to do it. Just give it some time, let her see the life you've been building here. She'll understand that what you have now isn't something you just give up." At least, Spencer hopes she will. Regardless of whether she does or not, he has no intention of letting the woman take Raleigh out of here against her will.

The waves of guilt are so real, they're so heavy that they're unavoidable. There's something with Spencer that she doesn't have with anyone else in the world. Not in this town, not back home. There's a set of people who she trusts explicitly, there's a set of people she trusts implicitly, then.... there's Spencer. There's Spencer, who she worries about and fusses over. Spencer, who she will help lift up as high as he can reach, who has been through so much. Spencer, who seems to understand more than anyone how love and loss work.

There's a fear of hurting him in a way that's giving him more of a burden than he could bear. That's why she wrote that letter to Joel and not Spencer, but there isn't anything she can't tell him. She knows that. There's nothing, because she can't imagine a world where she'd look at Spencer and say please help me and he wouldn't. They're family, and she squeezes his hands in return, grateful for everything he's doing, that he's here for her the way she'd asked him to be.

"How do I make it better?" The question's so faint, and tears slowly drip down her cheeks. She tugs a hand free to wipe them away, and she's not sobbing or overwrought, it's like she just can't control the fact that her eyes are leaking as she takes a deep breath to continue. "How do I make it better, when I've been here for eight months? How-" Her chin quivers. "I made that choice. I made the choice not to tell her, and even after it was over, I didn't tell her, and that's all on me. That's- What kind of person does that, Spencer? What kind of monster would let their mother think they're dead while they- they kiss boys and start a bakery? How do I fix it?"

It's not the same as when she talked about it with Levi, when she said she was a bad person and he just summarily swept it under the rug. It's the same as when he talked to Joel, when Joel implied (to her, because she took it wrong) that she had to just get over the past and not let it impact anything now, to not let things affect her.

It's a struggle, trying to do that. Eventually, she'll realise that's not what he meant; she'll realise that trying to hide the fact that the past has heavily impacted her is a losing sum game for everyone involved, but right now she's mostly trying, except now. Except in front of Spencer.

She loves Spencer; the only person who feels as much like family is her brother. Not her mom, not her Dad, but Matt.

Oh, god.

Matt.

"I... I have to tell my brother..." It's even harder to say than when she said she had to call he rmother. "I do. I just have to tell him, and-" She's all twisted up inside, all twisted and hurting and she doesn't know what to say. "I don't- He's my baby brother, and I- How-"

She can't find the right words, but Spencer's the only one she even feels like she can say this to. That she can talk to him about it, that she can even ask for help in these situations. He doesn't sweep it under the rug, he doesn't give her shining platitudes; sometimes, his answers could be as simple as I don't know, but they won't ever just be no answer or him just trying to make her feel better.

"You make it better by doing your best because that's all that you can do," he says, and he knows it's easier to say it, to hear it, than accept it. He knows that in spite of knowing it himself because he most certainly gives himself a hard time for flinching whenever something reminds him of Mark or the lighthouse. He'd given himself a hard time whenever Eli would come around to say something nasty when he knows the bully would only do it to get under Spencer's skin. There's a very fine dividing line between thinking with rationality and thinking with sensibility, and Spencer crosses it far more often now than he's sure he ever has.

He shifts so he can put his hands on her shoulders, steadying her and making sure that their eyes meet before he speaks again. "Raleigh, I know that it's difficult right now, but I want you listen to me. Really listen to me. You are not a monster. I know monsters, I've seen them and I carry them with me, and you are not a monster. You did make a choice, you're right, but you've just made another one. You told her and it doesn't matter anymore that you didn't before, you've told her now. Whether you waited this long to do it out of fear or because that's not a life you want to go back to or because you simply didn't want to is nobody business but your own. The fact is that these are decisions you've made and you're going to have to deal with whatever consequences they bring, and I don't think anyone can tell you that you've done the right or wrong thing, but I can tell you that none of it makes you a bad person."

He brushes a thumb over the stream of tears staining her cheeks, though it doesn't do much good, and gives a slight shake of his head. She's young, incredibly young, and with her red-rimmed, pleading eyes, she looks it.

"You're starting a bakery and kissing boys and being a beacon of bright light for someone who's been lost for such a long time," he continues, searching her eyes for any glimmer of acceptance or understanding. "You're not a monster, you're just... human. Like me. Flesh and blood and feelings, that's what we are."

He isn't saying any of this simply to make her feel better, though he hopes his words are soothing her distress even if just a little bit. He's saying this because he believes it, truly believes that Raleigh would never set out to intentionally hurt anyone. There's a reason she hadn't told her mother about being alive, but Spencer doesn't need to know what it is to know that it's good enough. He's more sympathetic about the fact that she's going to tell her brother, to be honest, because for most of his life, Dane had been the only one who could have really caused any deep pain within Spencer. It's like it is with Joel now, his husband could destroy him so easily if he ever decides to leave, and Spencer knows it's not going to happen but it had been a little frightening at first to realize such a thing.

He'd spent so much time worrying that one day, Dane would turn on him. Whether it be at school or at home or both, Spencer had known it would have broken him in an irreparable way. It had never happened; but in the end, Spencer had lost him anyway.

"If your relationship with your brother is anything like what mine was with mine, I promise you that he's likely to never feel more relief in his life then he will when he hears your voice again. Think of what it would be like to see him again. To touch him, hug him, talk to him. To not have to wonder if he's doing okay because you can see it for yourself." He gives her a sad smile. "If you want me to be with you when you tell your brother, I can be there, too. But I do agree that he needs to hear it from you."

Raleigh's spent so much time beating herself up over this, she nods when Spencer says all she can do is her best. He's right, it's all the can do; no matter what she wishes she could have done, and no matter what she would have done differently, all she can do now is her best.

It somehow sits better than what Joel said even though it's the same thing; it's possibly because he wasn't telling her explicitly that she has to ignore the past. She's too wrapped up in it to forget it, and right now she's too caught up in all of it to be objective. But she can do her best. He's right, and the weight of his hands on her shoulders grounds her enough that she can take a deep, shuddering breath. She listens to every word, and when he says she's not a monster her chin quivers, and she presses her hand to her mouth as she hiccups back a sob and can't help but nod.

He understands. That's the thing, that's always been the thing. Spencer understands. He's in a unique position to understand her, to understand the situation, and she knows he's in the position where her mother and Matt are. The fact that he is the one who's told her she's not this horrible person, she can believe it instead of it just being what you say to a friend. "I thought-" She has to stop and clear her throat because her voice is raw. "I thought that the police would come, because if they had looked for me and they- and they found out I was okay, that's got to be- I was so scared when I left, but who would believe me? Who would believe me that I just- I just ended up here, and that it wasn't me running away?"

Shaking her head, she pulls in another thick breath as his thumb smooths her cheek and she tips her head towards his hand for just a second, before she nods again, sniffling. "I'll just- I'll try my best."

It's so clear in Spencer's voice that he's not just talking about Matt, he's talking about himself, and Raleigh can't talk with how much her throat hurts. It's like there's a lump of pain, just keeping the words in, keeping it all in, but he's right. He's right, and Raleigh moves. She moves up onto her knees and to hug him as tight as she can, and she's crying into the shoulder of his shirt, but she doesn't care.

It's just a little bit until she gathers herself, until she pulls back and scrubs at her eyes, taking a deep breath. "I don't know what I'd do without you." She shakes her head as she says it, like even thinking of that is completely incomprehensible. She can't imagine what it would be like, anymore. "You are such a good person, and- and I am so lucky-"

She has to stop, she has to stop talking because she can't find the words, but she takes another deep breath to center herself. "I'm so lucky that you're here."

It's not something he hears from people often, that they feel lucky to have him around. Joel says it often, they say it to each other, but it feels strange to hear it from someone else simply because he doesn't really know what he's done to warrant the words. He doesn't think he's doing anything extraordinary, just doing his best to be here for his friend; but then, maybe that is something extraordinary in itself. He hadn't had anyone to sit next to him and hold his hand after his mother and brother had died; he hadn't had anyone to remind him everything would be okay or that it really hadn't been his fault even when sometimes all the gossip would convince even him that maybe he really is to blame.

Raleigh calls him a good person, and it makes something in his chest start to ache because he hopes that she's right. He's never strived to be particularly good or kind or anything that might draw people to him in a way that someone like Raleigh or Coop draw people, he's always just tried to be. The thought that maybe he helps people now, that he has people who are willing to help him in the same way, makes his eyes start to well up, and he has to duck his head so that Raleigh doesn't see.

He manages to swallow down the lump forming in his throat so the silence that's settled between them doesn't stretch on for too long, and he smooths down a wrinkle in his cardigan before finally answering softly, "Anyone who wouldn't believe you isn't worth your time." He knows that from experience, has been stared down by people he and his mother both would help in the library all the time, has been threatened by former classmates and pushed around by strangers and sneered at by police officers; he knows what it's like to feel like he's completely alone, to start to feel like maybe it is better that way because at least if he's alone, there's nobody left to show him how little they think he's worth.

He doesn't think that anymore, of course. One reason for that is the same reason he looks forward to getting up in the morning, another is beside him on this couch. He's not alone anymore and sometimes he has nightmares about having to choose, about losing everything all over again, but when he wakes up to Joel's arms around him, it makes him remember that he can't spend the rest of his life worrying. He doesn't want Raleigh to spend another second worrying that people will think she'd a terrible person, and he knows that's not something he can change with a snap of his fingers, but he can at least make sure she knows he doesn't think it.

"I'm lucky, too," he tells her, "because someone like you decided that she wanted to befriend someone like me. I was nobody's good company, not for a long time, and sometimes it would make me wonder terrible things about myself. But how bad can I really be when one of the most kind-hearted people I know is willing to be a fixture in my life?"

Body language is a funny thing. The way that she's curled up in a ball says that she's scared and feeling alone and defensive - but the way she's turned towards him, the way she looks at him - it's more that it's them against the world in this moment. For Raleigh, right now he's the only one that understands, and what she told Joel last week - it's even more true, now. If something happened to either of them because of her, she'd never forgive herself.

She doesn't argue when he says he's lucky, too. She knows he is, of course he is, but when he says someone like you, she actually looks a little... surprised. Especially after today. It makes no sense, with the conversation they'd been having, but she thought he was talking about Joel. He was lucky because he had Joel, but he talks about her, that she's one of the most kind-hearted people he knows, and her brows furrow.

"I just... bake," she says quietly. I just bake, because that's how she looks at her life. She had to leave Boston and ended up here, and stuck her head in the sand and wasn't brave enough to step out of her shell for months. She'd kept to herself, but then she'd gotten- she made stupid choices, because she was lonely. That's why she finally stepped out and talked to people, how she met Spencer and Joel both. "You're not bad, Spencer. You're not." She shakes her head. "I... you have been so kind and generous, I try-" She has to stop for a second, and her chin quivers. She's been trying so hard to be honest, these days. She's been trying so hard, and that's why she'd had such gut-wrenching conversations with Joel.

Joel says it, Levi says it, Spencer, Les, and Coop. They all say it - that she's a good person, but she knows she keeps everything so close to the vest, she is terrified that they'd lift up the rock of who she is and see all the bugs and change their minds. She keeps such a careful facade, and she'd only told Joel.

She's not worried about other people thinking she's a terrible person, to be honest. Raleigh's worried she just is a bad person. That she keeps it hidden, but she is, because she's a coward; because she hid even though it got her anyway. That she hadn't gone to the Siren Cove police, or even told anyone what'd happened for such a long time. She can believe that they believe it, the group of men who had somehow become so incredibly integral to her life. Herself, though...

Herself is another story. "You say it like it's a chore. Befriending you. The moment I met you, you fed me your sandwich, remember? That's not exactly you being unfriendly." She rubs her arms - she's so goddamned cold, so cold all the time. "I... Uhm." Her eyes dart to the clock, and she hesitates, her tongue flicking over her lips because she's nervous. Quiet and raw, her voice wavers as she speaks. "If... If you have a minute- I.. .uh. I talked to Joel, the other day - I don't know if he told you, but-"

She pulls in another breath. "I, uh." She takes a deep breath while forcing a small smile. "I guess I'm having a hard time, right now?" The end of it lilts up in a question, and this... it's apparently her being honest. Her... trying as hard as she can to ask for help instead of just... shoving it all down as far as it can go. "And.. uh. I-"

She remembers, how much she told Spencer right when it'd happened, back in June. How much she'd written to Joel in August, too, but how much she'd told him about her knowing she wouldn't be okay. She's wondered a little, over the last three months, if he's wondered why all the things she said she'd have problems with never seemed to show up, minus the one nightmare he'd actually come to save her from.

Levi knows a little, Joel knows a little, Coop knows a little - she'd ended up on his doorstep out of the blue, after all. But Spencer knows the most, and he doesn't even- he's not seen most of it, because she tries so incredibly hard to hold herself together. To pull herself together until she's alone, because she was scared they'd think that living in this house wasn't good for her; to not hurt them more with the way she is. She's done this before, Spencer hadn't, and he was still recovering from what Mark did to him, and the thought of making that worse - it was worse than any hurt.

Raleigh rubs her arms with her hands, and she forces herself to at least look at the couch, even if she can't quite look at him, until she finally speaks. "I... uh." It's the third time she's made that sound, because she doesn't know what to say next. Trying to reach out for help is foreign to her. "I have always been the one in my family who has all of their crap in order," she finally says quietly. "And I've always had to be that, because if I didn't, everything falls part." Her gaze finally finds his, and she swallows thickly, twisting her hands together just out of habit. "But- But I just-" There's too many things, now. There's too many pieces and too much hurt and she's not okay, no matter how many times she says she is. "I don't know what to say," she says after a second, her shoulders hunched slightly. "Just... just that I- I know I'm- I guess I just... can hide it well." She hides how wrong things are, but... he should know, even as she still tries to fix it.

"

Joel had made mention of the conversation he'd had with Raleigh, bits and pieces of it that had only become up because that night, Joel had crawled into bed with a groan and collapsed face down onto his pillow before Spencer had chuckled and taken pity on him, rubbing his shoulders that had been aching from the work Joel had done at the bakery. Spencer had been certain Joel would fall asleep easily, in spite of his insomniac tendencies, and Spencer had already been thinking about how he'd turn on the TV to watch some late night talk show or awful infomercial that would lull him into a blissful slumber. But Joel had surprised him by turning on his cheek and stilling one of Spencer's hands with his own.

"You know you'll always be safe with me, right?"

Spencer had known, Joel had explained; but he lets Raleigh talk because he thinks she needs to. It's strange to be on the other side of things, to be someone who isn't drowning on dry land in his own personal pool of tragedy, in the hell he hadn't realized he'd been living until Joel had shown him how much better everything could be. She's struggling with her words but he's patient, he has nowhere to be but here and for her, and he lengthens his arm to invite her closer because he can see how hard she's trying, the way she rubs her arms, and he's not exactly know for his love of physical contact but sometimes it just helps.

He remembers being in the lighthouse, Joel with his back to him as they'd faced Mark Fuller. Joel had held his hand back for Spencer to take, a protective and comforting gesture all rolled into one, and Spencer had curled his ziptied wrists and broken fingers so that he could have that touch. It hasn't dissolved the dread he'd felt but it had helped, and he knows that this is hardly the same situation but it's all he wants to do. Help.

"Nobody wants people to see that they're broken," he tells her. "It hurts enough to know it ourselves, doesn't it? When others start to catch on, sometimes it feels almost like a failure. I know what it's like." He pauses for a moment, staring into the fireplace and watching the flames dance and crackle and pop. "After my mom and brother died, I didn't cry. Everything happened so fast, she was dead and I was in a jail cell and Dane was dead, and I wanted so badly to convince myself that I could handle it all that I didn't cry. After they let me go and we had the funeral, it was... I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't keep up the facade. I think I cried more that day than I have in my entire life. It wasn't just fifteen, thirty minutes, it was hours and hours of tears constantly streaming down my face."

He turns back to look at her, though he can't seen to hold her gaze and his eyes flicker between hers and the couch. "After Mark, I locked myself in the house until I looked in the mirror and couldn't see my own reflection without seeing his beside me. I got my hair cut so I wouldn't have to think of him pulling on it every time he wanted to hit me again. It was just another way to hide, to try to forget what had happened, but we can't just forget those things because they're painful or because we're afraid of what people will think of is if they find out we're not the well-oiled machines we want them to believe we are. Raleigh, if there's one thing I want you to remember, it's that you don't have to be afraid to ask for help. The world isn't going to shatter if you stumble or if I fall, it'll just keep going until we can't catch up. We need to stay caught up. But we can't do that alone."

Spencer has no idea if anything he's saying is helpful or useful or any of those things he hopes it would be. All he knows is that he doesn't want Raleigh to feel like she has to put on an act when there's so much more going on underneath the surface.

"You're not alone," he reminds her. "I know you feel like you need to be the strong one for everyone else but... But you deserve to be taken care of, too."

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Calling home (spencer)

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