Spencer (after the party, closed.) TW: probably talking about violence

[callmeemily]

The smell of soup pretty much fills the house. It's a pattern that Raleigh doesn't even realise is establishing itself. Spencer withdraws, and Raleigh makes him soup. Sometimes he eats it, sometimes he doesn't, but she makes it, and it's a little different than last time. She doesn't leave it on the porch. Instead, she knocks on the door wherever he is, and usually tells him what kind it is, and sometimes she asks him if he wants company.

That's what happens right now, she knocks on the doorframe of his room, because he's sitting on the bed reading, and she's got two bowls of soup. "I made lunch," there's a smile, and worry in her eyes that's been there ever since this started the day before yesterday. "Chicken noodle. Feel like company?"

Comments

[doublethepain]

"You can," he answers with a vague nod, finally marking his place in the book so he can set it aside for later.

He's only on the third book, but he'd gotten off to a a bit of a slow start since he'd picked up the first after Joel had left for work that morning and besides that, he's been terribly distracted from all of what's happened over the course of the last few days. He's seen very little of people since the evening of Coop's party, in fact, and that includes Raleigh. It's not that he doesn't normally enjoy her company, whether she actually believes that to be true or not, but this is simply what he's always done when he's facing something difficult.

He withdraws. He becomes closed off, less willing to put on a mask of someone happy to brave the day. He knows he'll never give up, not like he'd come so close to doing even just a few months ago; he's not going to give up now that he's found someone who loves him, who wants to marry him, who wants to start a family with him. Joel has seen him at his very worst and stayed, a seemingly tall order for anyone who doesn't understand what their relationship is like, but what continues to surprise Spencer--perhaps unfairly--is that Raleigh has stayed, too.

He's never viewed her as weak or naive because of her size or age, she's seen and lived through far too much to be either of those things in most aspects of her life. In spite of that, though, Spencer has never wanted any of his own baggage to be a burden on her. He'd failed terribly in preventing that from happening the day he'd had his panic attack downstairs, and he hates that she'd felt guilty for it when there's really nothing that could have been done. It was bound to happen eventually, after all, glasses break all the time, and he'd already been vulnerable from an encounter with Eli that morning; but he knows he'd have felt just as guilty if their positions were reversed, so he understands it, but she'd done her best for him. She'd been astute enough to call the one person who could fix it, had cleaned the glass later even though she'd cut herself, had made sure there'd be no evidence left but a memory.

It's what they'll always do for each other, he thinks. They'll take care of each other, as a loving family does, and he's getting better at accepting that but it's difficult after feeling so alone for so long. Trust is hard to come by for a man like himself, and he does trust Raleigh--very deeply, in fact--so the idea that she'd come close enough to believing that this, that simply sitting together eating soup and talking about books, might never happen again affects him almost as harshly as discovering his brother's death had.

He realizes then that he's been quiet for too long, sipping absently on his soup in between thoughts, and he meets her eyes after another beat. He has no idea whether Joel had mentioned his arrest to her--would suspect he'd be a bit too embarrassed to bring it up on his own--or what Eli had done, and the words still resonate in his mind. You don't belong in this town, you never did. Nobody would've got you from that lighthouse if you weren't putting out. He knows Eli isn't the one who believes that, even if Spencer knows it to be untrue himself, but having those words thrown at him, having Eli be physical with him in a way he hadn't since high school, had been all the more humiliating in front of that crowd of people.

He's just glad Raleigh hadn't seen it because it had been bad enough Joel had.

"How--" His voice catches, and he has to clear his throat, his cheeks turning slightly pink. "How did you like Coop's party? Did you have a good time?"

[callmeemily]

A couple of times she's thought that she and Spencer are similar. They both withdraw, although in different ways and for different reasons. They also both have that odd independent streak, the one that says with blaring sirens, I don't want my hurts to hurt anyone else, even though they're not the ones who gets to make those choices.

Spencer has very nearly seen her at her worst, and that's something that very few people can say. Only Levi and Bach have seen her in a full-blown panic attack, and that's because Bach caused it, because Levi happened to be walking by when Raleigh was trapped on the front porch and couldn't get away from him. Spencer's the only other one, he's seen her break down at night, he's the only one she'll admit it to when she's having a hard time. Everyone else, there's a facade or else she's just not there, she's just needed the time to get away, and it actually includes Joel, most of the time. It's not that she doesn't love Joel or trust him, it's that he's different, and with Raleigh, it's a lot harder to have a companionable silence with Joel. She's got to fill the void, when right now she's more than happy to actually just be with him.

It'd killed her, that she thought he was dead. They haven't talked about it again, haven't talked about it since that day when she saw him and it all came crashing in; the knowledge that she was wrong, the heady rush of gratitude to some higher power that she was wrong, thank god. Thank god. It was terrifying, and it hurt so much when she was already hurt and in pain.

That's one of the many reasons she was here right now, content to sit on his bed and talk about books, or sit in silence, or-- whatever. She'd just sit with him, to just be with him, be around him, because he's family, and he's never shied away from her in a way that hurts. She'd heard through the gossip that something'd happened with Joel; that something happened, and it was with his powers and he'd been arrested, but he'd been home and she's heard so much gossip at this point that she doesn't even know what she believes - and if she's completely honest, completely and utterly honest... Right this second, she doesn't want to ask. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day she will, but currently she's so thankful that things are alright with her and Joel after the letter, after they just hung out on the porch... she doesn't want to ask.

Smiling when he meets her eyes, she looks tired, but good. Raleigh tends to run on all cylinders or none, she always pushes herself, and so it's actually really good to have the downtime. He asks about Coop's party, though, and she blinks in surprise. "I.... I did," she says with a nod, her lips curving up into a sort of half-smile at the memory, her eyes flicking to the blanket. She'd drunk too much, but she's 23 and she'd been all for celebrating the fact that they weren't all dead so she doesn't really regret it.

She saw a lot of friends, saw a lot of people she was glad that they were okay - and she was really glad it went well, too, because... because Coop's a good guy. He deserved a good birthday, and her brows just sort of furrow because-- because that's what she does when she thinks about Coop. "It was really- He's a really good guy, I'm not surprised the whole town turned out." She paused, the spoon for the soup back in her mug, and she chews on the inside of her lip for a second.

She's almost frowning, but not quite. It's... complicated, her thoughts on Coop, and she takes a deep breath and finally looks back at Spencer, smiling again as she just mentally sets that whole thing aside. "Joel told me that you get giggly when you're drunk. I get really... happy, so I think that sometime in the fall we should hang out, just the three of us." It's fond, the way she says it. She pauses, and then- "Was it okay for you? I know-" She pauses. "I heard some stuff, but it was gossip." Even though Spencer's been keeping to himself, which isn't exactly indicative of a good time, to be honest - and she bets that it had a lot to do with Joel getting into a fight and having a hell of a shiner and a busted lip, and having been arrested - but he didn't talk about the details, and she doesn't know if either one of them really wants to get into them. "So... I guess, before that, did you have an okay time? I know it's a little... Mrs. Lincoln, besides that, how was the play, but..." She frowns.

[doublethepain]

He tilts his head at her, watching the expressions change on her face, and he remembers Joel telling him that Raleigh had gone to that excessive six-course dinner party with Coop. He hasn't asked her about it, really hasn't quite thought much on it, to be honest, but he wonders now. He wonders and frankly, he worries a bit because as good of a man as Shea Cooper has always proven himself to be, Spencer knows that the gossip that surrounds him isn't just gossip. Coop's never tried to hide that part of himself, at least, and Spencer actually manages to appreciate that about him because he think it could be awfully easy for Coop to come off as too cocky or too flippant or too much of a rake; but at his core, he's kind. If Spencer had been a different kind of person, he thinks he would have liked to be Coop's friend from the beginning.

"Well, I'm glad you did," he finally answers, and he's unsure of whether it's right or not to pry about Coop because it's not as if Raleigh asks him questions about his and Joel's love life. Whether that's because she sees how they are with each other on a daily basis, he's not sure, but he wonders if it would be crossing a line. After a moment of sipping on his soup, he decides it's worth the risk. "Coop, he's a... friend of yours?" He rolls his eyes at himself. "Obviously he's a friend, you went to dinner together on the cruise but what I mean is, did he-- You-- Are there dates involved? I only ask because I've never known him to regularly date anyone, and I just-- My god, I'm a mess."

He can't keep his words straight, and he shakes his head even though it makes him wince from the bruise that's still a massive fixture on his temple. Move on, he thinks, it's time to just move on and if Raleigh wants to answer any of the jumble of questions he's just tried to ask, she can do so without further prodding.

"I was uncomfortable there," he admits with a one-shouldered shrug. "I think it was maybe a little too soon after what happened on that island to venture back into the fray, at least for me." He bites his lip when she mentions the gossip, and he can't be surprised by it but it still makes his chest tighten with concern for his boyfriend. Joel has worked so hard to keep his identity in Siren Cove a secret and to have that effort ruined in one night is... Well, Spencer can't help but feel guilty about it.

"It was my fault," he says quietly, picking at a piece of invisible lint on the bedsheet next to him. "Joel would never say that and rationally, I know it's not quite true, but I still feel like it is." He sighs, setting the bowl of soup down on the bedside table, suddenly having lost his appetite. "He used his magic in front of people to defend me. To defend me. I walked away because I couldn't handle it, and he-- he was there to clean up after my mess, like he always does."

There's no resentment in his tone, no ire. He loves Joel so much for doing this for him, feels so much gratitude that he has someone in his life willing put everything on the line for him; but that doesn't take away the needling guilt, the thoughts of what might have happened if only he'd stood his ground.

"I know, I know it's not on me. Joel and I, we'd do anything for each other." Spencer had thought he'd killed someone on the island to save Joel's life, after all, it's safe to say that everything Joel had done to Eli, Spencer would have done the same. "Sometimes I just... I just wish I felt as strong as Joel thinks I am."

[callmeemily]

He actually asks her - well, sort of, in the way that Spencer asks about anything awkward - about Coop. He's the first person to actually ask her, and Raleigh... well. The way her brow had furrowed deepens. "I...." She pauses, and she tugs her lower lip between her teeth.

"I'm not good at dating," she says after a long pause. "I mean- Jason - you know Jason? We... We did the date thing. More than once, really, but-" She looks away, her shoulders tight. "The day after- uh. After I got back, when I was on crutches?" She looks down at her lap, because that's how she can refer to it, apparently. Not her being kidnapped, but just when she was on crutches. "I must have done something, because ... that was it. Done. Over." She says it quietly, and it's something that doesn't sit squarely, doesn't sit right. "And, uh-" She pauses again, and takes a breath. "Coop... he's-" She stops for a second, because this was why she kept making that face, because it's confusing.

"He's amazing," she says quietly, after a second. "When I'm around him, I feel like I'm the most- like I'm a princess, or- or that I'm special, and-" She pauses again, and her face is even more.. confused. She's trying to find the right words, and it's not even remotely easy. "But he's not... He's not. We're not dating. We've done things that I guess were dates, maybe? But we're not- he's not that guy." Her shoulders are oddly tight with tension, but it's more because of her bringing up the Jason thing, and... she sort of expects Spencer to tell her that she can't do whatever she's... doing. Whatever it is.

"I think whoever he's with at the time feels special," she says after a second, her voice quiet and oddly measured because she's been thinking about it for a while. "It's part of who he is. But we're... friends. I care about him a lot. I just-" She swallows thickly. "I wouldn't change him. Change... it." She wouldn't. If Coop came to her tomorrow and said that he'd thought about it, and he just wanted to be with her, that he wanted it to be a thing, for him to be her boyfriend... she'd think he hit his head, or something. Or it was a joke that she didn't understand. Part of that is that she can tell he's special. He's really special, and she's just... sort of normal, but it's not even that. Not in the depth of it. It's maybe that he genuinely appreciates so many aspects of people that one person would never be enough to tick all those boxes, and she sort of... doesn't care.

He's good, he makes her feel good. He makes her feel- he makes her feel like she could do anything, like the things she does are honestly brilliant. She cares about him, and that feeling may change, it may grow, but even if it did, she wouldn't change him, or the sort of dynamic they have. She trusts him, and she knows - somehow, "I know that he'd never just... go away." She says it quietly, after that long pause. "The way Jason did." It hurt her- that's clear on her face, and she's never even mentioned it before, that when she was going through so much, he'd also just... completely faded out of her life.

"Uh-" She looks away, and he changes the subject and she's glad, even though it's not to better things. "It's not Joel's cup of tea, either. Too crowded." Raleigh clears her throat, but then-- he says it was his fault, and her brows shoot up. "Spencer." She interrupts him, because it's important. It's really important, to her.

"Whatever happened, it's not your mess. If Joel chose to defend you, okay. If you weren't there, that's okay, too, but he's not cleaning up after your mess, and he doesn't always do that." She's concerned, she's worried over him the way she always does. "It's just what happened, it's not your mess. Okay?"

She exhales when he's saying it's not on him, and she's concerned. She is, but she nods. "I know, honey. That's the hard part. It's- Feeling strong, that's the hard part. Being strong, weirdly? Less hard than feeling it." She leans forward, and for just a second she squeezes his hand. "You are strong, though. You know that? You really are, I promise."

[doublethepain]

He actually doesn't know Jason, but he nods vaguely because it really doesn't matter right now. It'll matter later, when he wants to know exactly who'd dared to walk away from Raleigh when she'd needed people to care about her the most, when she'd needed to understand that there are people in her life who would notice and care and look for her if she disappears. Spencer understands what it's like, believe that nobody would come looking, and he knows for a fact that nobody would have thought twice about Spencer not showing up anywhere over the weekend of the lighthouse incident. Mark could have kept him there for days, he could have been killed up there, and if he and Joel hadn't had that date, Spencer isn't sure how long it would have been before someone found him--most likely by accident.

It's different now and sometimes that still feels strange, knowing that he has people looking out for him again, but with every day that passes, he feels like more and more like he finally belongs somewhere. This house hasn't felt like home since his family had died until now, until Joel and Raleigh had made it a safe place for him in spite of what had happened in the library and the backyard, in spite of the nightmares that will still jolt him awake at night. Joel's the only one who's seen him in that particular state of panic, and Spencer would like to keep it that way but that evening he'd crawled into bed and put his arm around Raleigh to make sure she'd be all right after a nightmare of her own, he'd actually been reminded of his childhood with Dane.

He remembers building forts out of bedsheets when they'd been kids, pitching up a tent and sleeping in the backyard when they'd gotten older; he remembers listening to Dane talk about football and pretending to care because Dane would always do him the same courtesy when Spencer talked about his newest favorite author; he remembers Dane giving him that leather jacket as a gift for his twenty-seventh birthday, the one he'd been wearing when Mark had taken him, and Spencer thinks that maybe that's why he'd gotten Raleigh the hoodie. He still has the jacket, though he hasn't worn it in months now, it's the last thing Dane had ever given to him and therefore, it's something Spencer will never let go of, no matter what. The hoodie, the fact that Raleigh's wearing it, is more important to him than she could know because it means that she's carrying some part of him, a part he's happy to have given her.

"You deserve the world," he says softly, and he's said something strikingly similar to Joel more than once, but he means it. "The man who hurt you, Jason, he clearly has absolutely no clue what he's missing because you are so bright and kind and sometimes you have more energy than I know how to handle, but you are truly one of the most exceptional people I've ever met. So when you tell me I'm strong, what choice do I have but to believe you?"

It's not that simple, they both know that. It's going to take more than kind words a squeeze of his hand to change the way he sees things, but he'll make an effort to try.

"Should I threaten to break Coop's kneecaps?" he asks suddenly, brow furrowing. "If he hurts you, I mean, isn't that the sort of thing people are supposed to do for their sisterly figures? It's between that and inviting him over for dinner because I've got an awfully good scrutinizing stare. I may have to have a few glasses of wine before getting started, thought."

[callmeemily]

Raleigh's brows furrow together when he says she deserves the world; it's a hard thing to actually hear someone say, oddly enough. That she just... deserves that, but he continues and she shakes her head. "No, he- he didn't hurt me, I... I just- I don't know what I did, he just... wasn't-" She swallowed thickly. "It's not important," she says faintly, even though it is, but she has no idea what happened there; what she'd said or done or didn't say, and she's seen him - of course she's seen him, but they're not even friends anymore, they never had a discussion about it, she just... met his brother, and then... that was it.

She looks back at him when he talks about having to believe her, that he's got to believe her that he's strong, and she nods slightly with a shrug of her shoulder. "I mean, I guess you don't have a choice." Chuckling faintly, she still looks... worried. She looks really worried, but it's just that.... reinforcing. It's that he's strong, and if Joel and Raleigh tell him enough, maybe he'll believe it of himself.

Then - then, he asks about breaking Coop's kneecaps, and her eyes widen abruptly. "What? No! No, I mean- I don't even--" She pauses. "I don't even think-" And that's when she gets that odd look on her face again, the scrunched brows, the frown. "The way it is for me," she says finally, quietly. "That's not the way it is for him, I don't think? I mean, I know we're friends, but-" She pauses. "He's got a lot of friends. And I'm okay with that, so you can't talk to him about anything like that, or act like... like I'm his- I'm not his girlfriend or anything, you know?"

That's maybe why it was so complicated; she not only was super confused about her feelings for Coop - although everything she's told Spencer is 100% true, and it oddly helps that she's been able to articulate it - but she mostly thinks that the way he is with her is just the way he is. It's business as usual, and she can't think of anything weirder then Spencer talking to him about it and implying it was something else.

"He won't hurt me," she revises. "And from what I've heard, your scrutinizing stare may be a little more giggly and a little less scrutinizing if you have wine."

[doublethepain]

She says Jason hadn't hurt her, and it makes Spencer wonder whether he's just projecting how he'd have felt himself onto Raleigh; but she stammers her way through an explanation, and he thinks maybe it had hurt her more than she's willing to admit--or perhaps more than she realizes. If Joel had walked away from him after the lighthouse, Spencer would have been devastated. He knows Joel had tried to stay away but it had been more out of guilt than an inability to be willing to help carry Spencer's baggage; and Spencer has no shortage of baggage, so it's a true testatment to the character of his boyfriend--his fiance, really, though it feels too strange on Spencer's tongue to say it--that he'd stayed.

"It's not important," he echoes, pausing because it's not his place to say that it is just because it would be to him, but he gives her a small, tight smile. "Well, I think he's a fool to walk away. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life, you-- you always manage to brighten mine, at least. Besides, you're about to be this town's next top baker or whatever we should be calling you so he's missing out on all your future successes, too." He shifts awkwardly on the mattress, and it's not that he isn't willing to say things like that to her, it's that they don't come as naturally to him as they do when he's with Joel. "But all right, I'll refrain from breaking anything of Coop's, kneecaps or otherwise. He was a significant help on the island, after all, and he tried to help Joel during his fight, so I suppose I owe him for that."

Spencer owes Coop for more than that, for Coop's efforts to reach out to him after Dane and his mother had died, but he doesn't talk about it. They've never discussed it, Spencer can't even remember a time after the funeral that Dane's name had come up between them, and he's sure that's his own fault. One day, maybe, he'll be able to look at Coop and not think of Dane.

The last thing she says processes after a moment, and he squints. There's only one person who knows he gets giggly--and he's hardly call it giggly--when he's drunk because there's only one person he's really been drunk with in the past couple years. "What did Joel tell you? I'll warn you to be very careful with what you do with that information because if that gets out, your number one bakery backer is pulling out entirely, understood?"

[callmeemily]

Raleigh looks down at the blanket as he says that Jason's missing something by not being with her, and it makes her... uncomfortable. Incredibly uncomfortable, mostly because she still doesn't know what happened. She wonders - well, she has wondered, anyway, if it was because of the way she'd kissed him, the last date that they'd had. If she'd done something wrong, if he'd not made the first move for a reason.

But then again, he'd kissed her back, he'd been the one who'd kissed her against the pier, and she just sort of exhales in a rush, and runs her hand down her face. For all that she says it's not important, what she means is can we not talk about it, because she has no answer, just the confusion that's completely different than the way she feels with Coop. She knows where she stands with Coop, mostly. Not his thoughts on her - that's a mystery, but they're friends and she knows it and she honestly thinks that if she shows up on Coop's doorstep and his couch isn't occupied he'd let her in and possibly even make her a cup of coffee besides.

Jason....

She's got this sinking feeling he'd shut the door in her face, and she doesn't even know why, and it... hurts, but that's not something she's going to be able to explain or figure out what's going on. "You make my life brighter, too," she says quietly, even though the words feel hollow. It's the too, but she sucks in a breath and he says he's not going to break Coop's kneecaps and finally she laughs. "Well, thank you. I'm sure that all of his patients appreciate it." He talks about how much of a help Coop was, and she nods a little, taking another sip of her soup.

"He... helped me, a lot." Clearing her throat, she just... moved on. The way she does, to skip to other, easier subjects - and ones that made her eyes widen and she couldn't stop the gasp. "Spencer Waters, you can't tell me that you're blackmailing me with backing we haven't even talked about! The nerve." She's smiling again, she can't not. "It's not my fault that Joel informed me just how happy you get when you drink."

She paused, and her voice softened a little, but the look there was absolutely fond. She loves them both, and she can't not. It's ingrained, by now.

"He... when he told me, it was so clear how much he loves that about you. You know that?" She can't stop the curve of her lips into a smile. "He loves you so much."

[doublethepain]

She's clearly uncomfortable with the subject, and he regrets bringing it up at all. He starts to shrink into himself, coming close to getting ready to just thank her for the soup and busy himself with something else, maybe help Joel some more with or organizing the store, but then Raleigh's telling him how much Joel loves him, and he's frozen for a moment.

He's grown quite used to the fact that he can't help but brighten whenever Joel's name is even mentioned. It's an automatic response, there's no sense in fighting it and Spencer would never want to because never before has there been anyone outside of his immediate family who makes his life better simply by existing in it. He ducks his head to hide the flush spreading across his cheeks and down his neck even though Raleigh's already seen the corners of his mouth turning up into a pleased smile.

"Yes, I know," he answers, keeping his eyes fixed anywhere but on Raleigh, and it's nothing to do with how comfortable he is with her; he just knows that when it comes to talking about his relationship with Joel, the only person he can properly convey his feelings to is, well, Joel. Even then, he doesn't quite feel like the words come out quite right but there's comfort in knowing that his boyfriend understands exactly what he's getting at because he feels the exact same way. They don't need to be perfectly eloquent about it, Spencer isn't even sure that's possible because their love grows all the time, it becomes greater with every passing moment, so how can they be expected to find a way to put words to that?

"I'm... incredibly fortunate," he continues, and that's not even the half of it but it's a fair enough place to start. He finally meets Raleigh's eyes, smile still firmly in place. "I wasted too much time trying to convince myself that a man, such a beautiful and incredible man, like Joel could never be interested in a man like me but there's a connection between us that's been there from the first day we met." He rubs lightly at the center of his chest, shifting his gaze to the doorway of the bedroom because he wonders if that column of energy Joel can see in their auras, the one that's constant between them, stretches all the way from here to the store. It has to, he imagines, because he's sure that if anything were to happen to cause any sort of break in it, Spencer would know right away. He'd feel it. He has no powers to speak of, no magic like Joel's, but he's certain he'd feel it.

"I can't tell you how much I love him," he says, voice suddenly soft, just barely above a whisper and his eyes feel like they're glazing over because he can so perfectly picture Joel's beautiful face, those curls and the beard and what the feel like against Spencer's fingers. "It goes beyond words, he's-- I was so empty, Raleigh. Before I met him, I was so empty, and I had no idea. He changed everything for me. To go to sleep in his arms at night knowing that he'll be there in the morning, it's an amazing thing because I've never had that before. I've never been so absolutely certain about anything before. It wasn't the drinking that got me happy and giggly that night, it was Joel."

There's a brief silence between them and the burning of his cheeks doesn't go away because he can't quite believe he's just said all that out loud. He rubs the line of his jaw with the back of his knuckles and lets out a sheepish smile. "He clearly brings out quite a verbose side of me, as well. I am backing the bakery, by the way, I'd have thought that was a given. Well, perhaps not by you. It was a given for me."

[callmeemily]

He just... lights up.

Both of them, when they talk about each other, they just light up, like it's that thing - that the sum is greater than the whole of the parts. Both of them are more with the other, and Raleigh's feelings on it...

She's so happy for them both. She's so happy that the man who offered her his own lunch found someone, that Joel found someone, that the Lighthouse, that Mark hadn't driven them apart. She's so proud of them, she's happy for them, and honestly, Raleigh loves them both like brothers, and if she could ask for one thing, ever since she was six years old, if she could have one wish it would be that the people she cares about, the people around her to be unrepentadly, deservably happy.

The joy she feels for him, because of the look on his face, the way his skin is redder, the smile on his lips - that's what gives her something to hide the way it oddly twists in her heart, because-- it started after Jason's... whatever, and then sort of continued, but recently it was when she had this talk with Joel a few days ago, and now... I was so empty. Before I met him, I was so empty, and I had no idea.

She thinks that maybe... she's empty, but she leans forward and squeezes his hand again, because she can be glad for him so incredibly easily. "I'm so happy for both of you," she says quietly, sincerely."So happy for both of you." She lets her hand slip from his, and he talks about backing the bakery, and she pulls in a breath.

"It's... If you want to do that, I want it to be... real. Formal, with papers. I'll pay you back." It's important, to her. "I just... I want to make sure that if this... if it doesn't work, nobody gets hurt. Joel said he's okay with actually signing contracts. Is... Is that okay? That's what I want to do." She knows it's out of left field, but she's a little (secretly, just a little) happy that it's not... her and relationships, that it's not him and relationships, just-

She's got Coop, who... that night on the cruise ship where they danced and she was in that dress, it meant the world to her, but it wasn't the same for him, she doesn't think; she's got Tonio, who is sweet but there's something about him that just sits... oddly, because- because. He calls her beautiful four times in a sentence, and she wonders-- she wonders what would happen if she didn't look the same.

So she's got Coop (who she doesn't actually have), Jason (who she absolutely doesn't have), and some guys who flirt with her in weird ways, and Spencer and Joel have this support in each other, and she hates the fact she envies them. That she wishes that she had what they have, it makes her dislike herself because she should just be thrilled for them, full stop. She'll never admit it because she doesn't want to hurt them, but maybe... maybe the solution was to get out more. Look for people to date. Something.