Can I pay you tomorrow for recovery today? (Dated Monday, 9:45AM) TW: Mentions of Violence/Torture

[callmeemily]

Trigger Warning: This thread contains mentions and descriptions of violence and torture. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to tweet @thestarsplay for clarification. Thanks!

--

In the end, she'd handled it herself.

Raleigh didn't have family, didn't have an emergency contact. She'd watched Levi be loaded onto the gurney, and she limped to follow him - but one of the EMTs sat her down and took one look at her, and she was on one as well. She's got no phone - and she doesn't know anyone's phone numbers off the back of her hand, so she goes alone.

Concussion, hairline fractures in her left wrist (her fault) and right cheekbone (not her fault), bruised ribs - bruises all over really, and the 7 inch long cut along the bottom of her foot, from her heel to her toes -- had stitches.

Which meant she had crutches.

She knew she had to be at the hospital to get the stitches, but what she didn't know - or didn't expect, really, was that they were expecting to keep her. They were expecting to keep her, and she couldn't do it. She couldn't, not and keep thinking of Les' words. Of Joseph's, of her own. She'd been through it, after she'd fallen into the basement of that rotted old house. Two days, she'd been down there, and half the people who visited her informed her that They didn't even know she was gone.

Raleigh can't live through that again.

That's why she checks herself out once it's all done, the stitches and the lectures and the questions. That's why she heads back into town - the clicking of the crutches something that's entirely old hat to her, given her leg - and she's thinking about tomorrow. About working, and she draws herself up short before she sits heavily on one of the little tables outside the coffeeshop, nevermind that she hasn't bought anything, that she looks like a wreck and that she's wearing scrubs for pants and a cheap flipflop on her good foot because the exceedingly nice nurse realised that they had to cut her jeans off of her, and she had no shoes - her hoodie had blood on the sleeve and the hem, oddly brown now, but she hasn't realised it.

She sits, and she can't help it as she starts to cry, her free hand still holding the crutches so they don't clatter onto the ground.

Comments

[callmeemily]

She listens to him as it just falls in this waterfall of words. All the things that had happened to him - there's this point where you've been through a traumatic event, and you just sort of word-vomiting the experience to anyone who will listen, even though it's unintentional, even though you know that maybe you shouldn't for both your own sanity and theres. Talking about it is something that happens because it's reaffirming that you didn't imagine it, that you survived it.

Raleigh's acutely aware of how it all works. She's been through it, and she slowly rubs the side of his fingers with her thumb without even thinking as he's so obviously in the memory, because she doesn't want to interrupt that sort of pressure release but she wants to give him an anchor in reality if he needs it.

He offers to be there when she wakes up, and she smiles - it's small, and her eyes are shiny with unshed tears, but she nods. "I... I'd be grateful?" Shrugging her shoulders up, she bites her lip hard before she exhales in a rush. "There's this part- there's this part," she starts again, once she takes a deep breath. "Where you just sort of... let it happen, because you just... you know you're... done. You know that it's done. That you're just... you're not-" She has to catch a tear with her thumb, and she sees the blood on her sleeve and closes her eyes and shakes her head. "You're not going to make it out alive, and you just sort of... give up, and... there's no fighting anymore. That's when Levi walked in, and.... I mean, I don't think I'll be okay for a while, you know? Because that does something to you, I think." It was like that, before. When they got her out of that basement, she'd just sort of... decided she was done fighting, and then a few hours later there'd been men with flashlights, who'd found her.

[doublethepain]

He knows exactly what she means and god, he hates that. He hates that they both know, that they've both gone through the kind of trauma people don't just get over in a week or two. It's not as if Raleigh had simply twisted her ankle or that he'd fractured a few fingers in an accident; they'd been attacked with purpose even though they'd both been entirely innocent, and Spencer tightens his grip on Raleigh's had as he lets out a shuddering breath because even though Joel has been the best support system he could have asked for, he knows he still hasn't let what had happened with Mark go.

"I--" It's not a smooth movement, but he brings his injured hand to his throat where the bruises that Mark had left are no longer visible but Spencer can feel them all the same. "He had his hands around my throat and he wouldn't stop squeezing. Joel was there but I couldn't see him, and I thought, I really thought, the last thing I was going to see was that face. He was so happy, he wanted me dead, he wanted to make Joel suffer." He looks up at Raleigh and there's pain in his eyes, pain and confusion that he can't hide. "I've tried to make sense of it but I can't. I guess that's probably for the best."

He's getting better, though. He's gotten better, thanks to Joel and friends who haven't left him to suffer alone, and that's what he wants to help Raleigh do. She's a strong woman, one of the strongest he's met which he thinks is really saying something in a town like this, and he hopes he can succeed where he's failed so many time--in being there for someone, the way he hadn't had the chance to be there for his mom or his brother.

"Yeah. Yeah, it might take awhile. Good days and bad days, right? But you take those bad days and turn them on their heads, you call me or Joel or whoever you want to call and make the rest of it good because the man who took you can't take that away from you. He can't take your friends away because we're all still here, and we're here for you. Try not to lose sight of that, even if it's easier said than done."

[callmeemily]

"There's no making sense of it," she tells him lowly, her eyes searching his. "And that's okay. It's something- It's human, I think? Just- Just that people do horrible things, horrible things happen, and if we can, we... survive. You survived that, I survived the basement, and I'll survive this, too." They all will. "I think... accepting that... it does something to a person, but... but that doesn't mean it's a bad something, in the end?" She paused, and then very quietly, almost out of the blue. "Do... you have a t-shirt I could maybe- I just- there's b-blood on my shirt, and I can't-"

She just stops then. He knows. She knows that he knows and understands, and somehow, she maybe thinks this will be good for both of them, and there's- there's something she'll never say out loud, but there is something with what happened to Spencer and happened to her, that Joel won't ever get, and she thinks maybe.... maybe it's good, that Spencer will have someone who understands.

[doublethepain]

He startles at the question, guilt washing over him all over again because he'd seen the blood but he'd gotten so wrapped up in-- He doesn't even want to think about it anymore, even though it's not that easy; he doesn't want to let it get in the way of helping Raleigh when he should be trying to be here for you at full capacity because she deserves that, she deserves feeling like she's being taken care of after what she's just been through.

He untangles his hand from hers and rubs at his forehead before standing up from his spot on the table and nodding absently. "Yes, yes, of course. I'm so-- Yes, stay right here, okay, I'll be back in a minute."

He takes the stairs to his room twice at a time so he can rifle through his pajama drawer until he finds the sweater his mother had bought for him a couple years before her death. He remembers thanking her profusely before it and wearing it on a family outing then burying it in his closet soon after because he'd known the next one was coming soon anyway--this is how he'd ended up with such a large collection that his brother would constantly mock, but Spencer wishes now that he'd worn them all a hundred times over for his mother to see and he uses most of the remaining supply for when he goes to visit their graves.

It's small enough that Raleigh won't be swimming in it, though, so he takes it back downstairs and holds it out for her. "I'll trade you," he says, gesturing at her hoodie. "I can wash it for you. Or burn it. Whichever you prefer."

[callmeemily]

It's the most ridiculous sweater on the planet, and she's oddly comforted by that. It takes her a second to get herself out of the hoodie, and she didn't realise just how much damage it had been hiding. She's got bandages on her wrists, and she's covered in bruises - and wearing a sports bra, which is why she's not really concerned about modesty. Getting out of the sports bra later is going to be a challenge, but she's grateful for the sweater, and she'd already fished her meds out of the hoodie's pockets before she passes it to him. "Just- you can throw it out? You don't need to burn it." She's pulled the sweater over her head - it's a little big, but not enormous, and that suits her just fine.

"If you're not a Sagittarius, I've got to ask if you're an archery fan," she said with a half smile, and that's when she finally exhales slowly. "Did you guys have a good weekend at the wine thing? It seems sort of a stupid question, but... it'd be nice to hear?"

[doublethepain]

"A Pisces," he says, far more glumly than he'd intended, and he looks away after Raleigh hands him her hoodie. It's not even for modesty's sake, he just remembers how self-conscious he'd been stepping out after he'd gotten his haircut, giving everyone a good look at the bruises on his face and neck. The pitying stares hadn't gone unnoticed and he doesn't want to do that to Raleigh. He's more than willing to help her re-dress any wounds or anything else she asks him to do but the house is supposed to be a safe place for her and staring at her like she's a victim isn't going to make her feel safe.

He tries not to cringe at the reminder of the fact that he and Joel had been having their good time while Raleigh had been suffering; but she's making an effort to smile and if that's what she wants to hear from him right now, he'll give it to her. So he nods and closes his eyes for a moment as the images spill into his mind, the ones of them in bed together and Raleigh doesn't need to know how far they'd gone or hadn't gone, but a smile plays at the corners of his lips as he answers.

"Yes, we had a good weekend. You know, it was technically our first official date? Joel was-- He's amazing."

[callmeemily]

"Fish," and that's all she really knows about it, but she pulls on the sweater, and she's glad she feels... safer, in it. In something of his. It's ridiculous, but for all that he's her friend, she knows he is, the fact that she's got something of his makes her stick that much more in his memory, she thinks.

You could forget her, but you couldn't forget the sweater. That's her logic, and she knows it's messed up and not sound but it does make her feel better. That and him smiling, him talking about the weekend, and she tries not to think about the fact that she'd considered going. She'd considered, but she had to work and what does she know about wine, and now her life would have changed if she'd have just gone.

But then again, someone else might have been dead.

"I didn't know that, that's great." She's sincere when she says it, and she wants to curl up into a tiny ball on his sofa, but she can't get herself small so she just sits, curled in on herself a little. "Joel.... is one of my favourite people," she admits with a small shrug. It's likely no surprise to Joel, should it get back to him - and she felt a similar way about Spencer, really.

[doublethepain]

He's never paid much attention to zodiac signs, though he knows them all along with each corresponding element, symbol, and ruling planet. He nods when she mentions the fish but it doesn't mean much to him, he's never taken stock in it or read a daily horoscope for anything other than curiosity in the moment. "Fish and the element is water, which I suppose is fitting. I'm also supposedly possessive of erratic energy levels, which I'm sure my mother was always glad did not manifest. My brother had enough energy for all three of us, I'm not sure she could have handled both her sons getting to that level."

The corners of his eyes crinkle in amusement at what she says about Joel. "Mine, too," he tell her, and he suspects he doesn't have to say it out loud for Raleigh to understand that he means Joel is his favorite person. Joel has opened his eyes in so many ways and given him more than Spencer would have even thought to ask for in the past month and a half that they've been spending time together. Joel is, Spencer knows, a big part of the reason why he'd felt comfortable enough to invite Raleigh back here in the first place, and it's not that he doesn't consider her a friend or doesn't trust her. It's just that he's more willing than he's ever been to let people in, to let them get closer, because now it's not just the potential for loss that he sees; it's the potential for a happier future and he doesn't even know how where to begin in thanking Joel for that.

He shakes out of the thoughts, focusing his attention back on Raleigh, and he thinks he can see the discomfort in her face and the way she's sitting on the couch--well, of course she's uncomfortable, she's in more pain than anyone like her deserves to be. He grimaces, twisting the hem of his shirt in the fingers of his good hand before nodding toward the staircase. "I can help you to one of the empty bedrooms," he tells her and his tone is apologetic, as if he's personally affronted on her behalf that she has to get to the second story of his own house just to lie in a bed. "If you're not up for it, I can bring bring some blankets down here and you can rest on the couch for as long as you'd like."

[callmeemily]

She doesn't quite get the energy level thing, but she nods, and she looks sad for just a moment when he mentions his brother. It's sympathy, she's made of too many emotions always, and right now she's just... wishing that he didn't have to say it in past tense. That he'd never lost his family, but she doesn't say anything because it's not the sort of thing you say.

She smiles when he does, and she nods to herself - she knows that Joel is his favorite person, and with good reason - and once he offers help to go upstairs, she pauses. "If... if you're serious, like... serious, serious-" About staying, that is. "I can get up there myself. Believe me, I've done a lot of stairs with crutches."

He reassures her that he meant it, and that's that - she can't thank him enough, she can't- it's gratitude, but it's more than that. It's so much more than that, and he's opened his home to her, and she knows she'll never be able to repay it - but she's thankful.