The waves of guilt are so real, they're so heavy that they're unavoidable. There's something with Spencer that she doesn't have with anyone else in the world. Not in this town, not back home. There's a set of people who she trusts explicitly, there's a set of people she trusts implicitly, then.... there's Spencer. There's Spencer, who she worries about and fusses over. Spencer, who she will help lift up as high as he can reach, who has been through so much. Spencer, who seems to understand more than anyone how love and loss work.
There's a fear of hurting him in a way that's giving him more of a burden than he could bear. That's why she wrote that letter to Joel and not Spencer, but there isn't anything she can't tell him. She knows that. There's nothing, because she can't imagine a world where she'd look at Spencer and say please help me and he wouldn't. They're family, and she squeezes his hands in return, grateful for everything he's doing, that he's here for her the way she'd asked him to be.
"How do I make it better?" The question's so faint, and tears slowly drip down her cheeks. She tugs a hand free to wipe them away, and she's not sobbing or overwrought, it's like she just can't control the fact that her eyes are leaking as she takes a deep breath to continue. "How do I make it better, when I've been here for eight months? How-" Her chin quivers. "I made that choice. I made the choice not to tell her, and even after it was over, I didn't tell her, and that's all on me. That's- What kind of person does that, Spencer? What kind of monster would let their mother think they're dead while they- they kiss boys and start a bakery? How do I fix it?"
It's not the same as when she talked about it with Levi, when she said she was a bad person and he just summarily swept it under the rug. It's the same as when he talked to Joel, when Joel implied (to her, because she took it wrong) that she had to just get over the past and not let it impact anything now, to not let things affect her.
It's a struggle, trying to do that. Eventually, she'll realise that's not what he meant; she'll realise that trying to hide the fact that the past has heavily impacted her is a losing sum game for everyone involved, but right now she's mostly trying, except now. Except in front of Spencer.
She loves Spencer; the only person who feels as much like family is her brother. Not her mom, not her Dad, but Matt.
Oh, god.
Matt.
"I... I have to tell my brother..." It's even harder to say than when she said she had to call he rmother. "I do. I just have to tell him, and-" She's all twisted up inside, all twisted and hurting and she doesn't know what to say. "I don't- He's my baby brother, and I- How-"
She can't find the right words, but Spencer's the only one she even feels like she can say this to. That she can talk to him about it, that she can even ask for help in these situations. He doesn't sweep it under the rug, he doesn't give her shining platitudes; sometimes, his answers could be as simple as I don't know, but they won't ever just be no answer or him just trying to make her feel better.
no subject
There's a fear of hurting him in a way that's giving him more of a burden than he could bear. That's why she wrote that letter to Joel and not Spencer, but there isn't anything she can't tell him. She knows that. There's nothing, because she can't imagine a world where she'd look at Spencer and say please help me and he wouldn't. They're family, and she squeezes his hands in return, grateful for everything he's doing, that he's here for her the way she'd asked him to be.
"How do I make it better?" The question's so faint, and tears slowly drip down her cheeks. She tugs a hand free to wipe them away, and she's not sobbing or overwrought, it's like she just can't control the fact that her eyes are leaking as she takes a deep breath to continue. "How do I make it better, when I've been here for eight months? How-" Her chin quivers. "I made that choice. I made the choice not to tell her, and even after it was over, I didn't tell her, and that's all on me. That's- What kind of person does that, Spencer? What kind of monster would let their mother think they're dead while they- they kiss boys and start a bakery? How do I fix it?"
It's not the same as when she talked about it with Levi, when she said she was a bad person and he just summarily swept it under the rug. It's the same as when he talked to Joel, when Joel implied (to her, because she took it wrong) that she had to just get over the past and not let it impact anything now, to not let things affect her.
It's a struggle, trying to do that. Eventually, she'll realise that's not what he meant; she'll realise that trying to hide the fact that the past has heavily impacted her is a losing sum game for everyone involved, but right now she's mostly trying, except now. Except in front of Spencer.
She loves Spencer; the only person who feels as much like family is her brother. Not her mom, not her Dad, but Matt.
Oh, god.
Matt.
"I... I have to tell my brother..." It's even harder to say than when she said she had to call he rmother. "I do. I just have to tell him, and-" She's all twisted up inside, all twisted and hurting and she doesn't know what to say. "I don't- He's my baby brother, and I- How-"
She can't find the right words, but Spencer's the only one she even feels like she can say this to. That she can talk to him about it, that she can even ask for help in these situations. He doesn't sweep it under the rug, he doesn't give her shining platitudes; sometimes, his answers could be as simple as I don't know, but they won't ever just be no answer or him just trying to make her feel better.