Holy crap, there's a new business in town.

[callmeemily]

Nevermind that it looked pretty run-down. Nevermind that there was a thick layer of dust on everything, that there was peeling wallpaper, that the floors had peeling linoleum.

This.... this was going to be home. Raleigh knew it the moment she and Joel had walked inside; the run-down storefront had been a cupcake shop three years ago before it'd gone bust, and it already had some of the requisite items for a bakery - luckily, a lot of the most expensive ones like a walk-in fridge. It just hadn't had a tenant since 2011, but Raleigh'd managed to cut a deal with the landlord; she'd fix it up, no rent was due until they opened, and she'd have a discounted rate for a year.

It was more than she could have hoped for, although that meant that her days would be full of dust and elbow grease for a while. The doors and windows were wide open, country music pouring out onto the street as Raleigh - in a tanktop, cut-offs, work gloves, and sneakers - perched on top of a tall ladder. She was stripping off wallpaper in big swathes, letting it fall on the floor - not caring that she was a sight, with dirt smearing her bare legs and arms. It felt hot as hell in the tiny store, but that probably had a lot to do with what she was doing.

She's singing to herself as she pulls free more paper, but her glove catches on a nail and she frowns. "Hey!" She leans down a little as she sees somebody passing by, even though from how high she is, she can't see who it is. "Can you pass me that hammer?" It's on the floor, and she doesn't want to have to get down if she doesn't have to.

Comments

[doublethepain]

"Joel told me about the letter." He doesn't elaborate, doesn't even want to think about it because while he knows that Joel would never have kept something like that secret from him, it had still hurt to hear it. He puts blame on himself, that he hadn't known better or done more, and he knows Raleigh would never want him to feel that way so he keeps his mouth shut about it and just swipes at a light sheen of dust on the counter.

"It's going to be hard for a long time," he says, and he's saying it to himself as much as he is to her. It's awful and sometimes the pain of memory is so great that it threats to take him over, but he can't let it. He won't; and he'll make sure that he does his best to keep Raleigh from letting the fear overpower her. He knows he can't be there every moment of the day, but he can be someone she confides in. He can be someone she trusts. "I think-- I think it gets a little bit easier when you remember you don't have go through it by yourself. I've made a habit of keeping things to myself, of letting everything build up until I feel like I might explode, but it's been... different, knowing that there's at least one person I don't have to hide that from anymore. Someone who's never going to judge me or make me feel like I'm not getting better quickly enough. If you ever, and I mean ever, need me to be that person for you, I-- I'm just saying, I'm here for you."

He doesn't say it--and maybe one day he will, when it's the right time to tell her more of his story--but he understands what she means when she says she had to take of her mother and brother. By no means had Spencer ever been the strongest member of the Waters family, at least he'd have never claimed the title, but he and Dane and their mother had been an incredibly tight unit. He'd always been quiet, had always preferred to be alone in his room than out with a crowd, but his mother and brother were the exceptions. Going out as a family to dinner or to a movie or on one of their weekend trips out of town had always been highlights for him, things he'd actually enjoyed doing; but he'd always wondered why his mother had never spent as much time doing those things with others on her own.

He remembers walking downstairs one night and finding her with her legs tucked under her on the couch. He'd been prepared to say hello, to offer an explanation of why he was up so late, but then he'd heard the sniffle. He'd gotten close enough to see that she was flipping through an old photo album, and he'd gone through that one in particular enough times to know that it was filled with photos of his father. In all the years they'd spent in Siren Cove after his father had died, Spencer can't remember his mother going on a date even once. She'd had friends, people who'd truly adored her because she was a remarkable woman without an ounce of mean-spiritedness in her, but Spencer knows she'd been lonely. He understands it now, how much she must have loved his father, because it's how he feels about Joel. He'd never be able to move on, there isn't a chance in the world, and that's why he'd stayed. He thinks it's why Dane had stayed. They'd never discussed it, but the silent agreement was there--their mother needed them, and they'd both been happy to be there because it mattered. He knows it's different from Raleigh's situation, the money hadn't been an issue for his family, but there's always been a part of him that believe that anyone who says their family life is truly easy must be a liar.

"Doctor Raleigh Harper," he tests out, and he smiles a little because he can actually see it--Raleigh, ever the caretaker, ever the one trying to help carry everyone else's weight on her shoulders--but at the same time, it makes him wrinkle his nose. "I'm glad you're doing what makes you happy. You deserve to be happy. We all do." When she bumps his shoulder, he rolls his eyes good-naturedly and reaches out to lightly flick her arm. "Whatever happens down the road, whatever changes are made, whether it's Joel and I getting married or having children or you getting married or having children, you'll always be important to me. To us. I know it's hard to stop doubting, I know it is. I lived in doubt of what people really thought of me for so long before-- I just know how it is. I just want to make sure you really understand that. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to deliver me my late mother's junk mail."

[callmeemily]

Her shoulders tighten up when he says Joel told him about the letter, and for just a moment - for one moment, she's angry, she's angry at Joel because she didn't want him to know, didn't want Spencer to know. She didn't want Spencer to know, now, and she prays, she prays that he didn't read it to him, that he didn't see it, and he understood. That he understood why she was scared, that he understands why she didn't write it to him. "I'm sorry." It's a quiet apology, one that's heartfelt and full of emotion, and she only looks up at him after she says it.

What he says - what he says about it being hard, about how he has one person that he doesn't have to hide from, her heart sinks. It sinks, because even as he offers to be that person, she knows - she knows that she can't. It's not that she doesn't trust him, it's that she doesn't want to put that burden on him. It's why she wrote that letter to Joel, not to Spencer. As ridiculous as it sounds, she needs to keep him safe. That's her gut, that's what's talking right now. She needs to keep Spencer safe, the last thing she wants is him worrying about her.

It's like the library. She taped her hand together, she took care of the glass, she found Joel. She did what she could, because she wanted to take care of him, because he's her family and she needed to. She doesn't want to ever force him to carry the burden that she carries about herself, even though if she was more mature, she'd realise that her trusting him with that wasn't necessarily a burden on him. Still, she nods all the same, and she has to swallow hard, looking up in surprise as he calls her doctor. It doesn't fit, she thinks. It feels like it doesn't fit, and she agrees with him; It's good that she's doing something that makes her happy, and she hesitates, and clears her throat. "I was telling Joel, I could see myself with kids, here. With a little girl sitting on the counter while I teach her to make Linzers."

She looks away, and it's so hard. It's so hard to think of the future, sometimes, when you're not sure if it'll ever come true, and it's just... hard. It's difficult, and her shoulders slump. "I wouldn't change it," she agrees quietly. "I wouldn't change that it's me that got that ad for your mom. If I knew what I knew now... I'd just stop the bad things from happening, as much." That's it. That's the important thing.

[doublethepain]

"Don't be." Spencer has been a man of logic for most of his life, and he can understand why she'd left the letter. It's something he plans on doing for Joel himself, one day, far into the future when they're much older because nobody ever knows what this life will bring. He'd never expected Mark Fuller or that island, he'd never even expected Joel. His life had been static until it hadn't and there had barely been a moment between the two states of being for Spencer to even process what had happened. He brings a hand to his forehead, rubbing lightly as if trying to smooth the creases out but to no avail.

"You needed to say goodbye." His tone is flat, almost hollow, and he can't even look at her as he says this because he'd been perfectly content since he'd been told about the letter to pretend it had never existed. Raleigh's alive, she's okay, they all are, that's the long and short of it; but the letter does exist, she'd felt that fear, and he knows the feeling well enough now to know how much it must have hurt her to write it. "Isn't that right? You just-- You needed to say goodbye." There's a pause, a moment of what would be complete silence if that country music wasn't still blaring from the stereo, before he finally glances up at her. "Don't be upset with him for telling me. Please. It affected him deeply, getting that letter, and as much as he didn't want to keep anything from me, I think he needed to talk about it himself more. See, that's what we do, Raleigh. We lean on each other, even if we think we shouldn't, even if we think it's not fair. After what happened in the lighthouse, after what he d-- after what Mark Fuller did to me, I thought... God, I thought I wouldn't be okay again. And maybe I'm not, maybe I'm not okay, but I'm better now and it's because of Joel, and it's because of you."

When his brother had been alive, Dane had come to Spencer with all his problems, big or small and whether or not he knew Spencer could help him with a solution. His brother had been the only one Spencer had felt like he could reciprocate that kind of relationship, and he remembers telling Raleigh he hadn't had the chance to say goodbye. There'd been a chance of hope that morning of his birthday, that morning he'd found his mother, that Dane was still alive. He'd had no texts, no missed calls, but there'd been a chance and Spencer had held onto that for as long as he could until he'd been given the news that his brother's body had been found. He'd lost it then, all the hope, all thoughts of ever finding someone he could share in that with again, until Joel had found him. Until he'd met Raleigh. Things haven't felt this easy in a long time, even after everything that's happened.

"It's hard for me to talk about things like-- like what happened with my family and what happened with Mark. But sometimes it helps. Sometimes it does more harm than good, but I have to expect that and moreover, I have to accept it because in the end, I'm still here. We both are, we're still standing. We just have to help each other stay upright, and it's not an obligation, Raleigh. I'm here because I want to be. Trust me, I've spent years avoiding getting close to people, years keeping to myself. Social obligation is not something I have a very firm grasp on."

He lets out a long sigh, suddenly feeling so drained but at the same time thinking that maybe it's good they're talking about this, even if they're maybe skirting around some of it a little. He glances around the room when she says she can see herself with kids here, with a daughter, and he nods as he imagines brighter walls and shinier ovens and brilliant sunlight shining through the windows. He can see it, Raleigh and a beautiful and blonde little girl, both their cheeks stained with flour and their hands deep in dough. He swallows hard, an affectionate smile playing at his lips.

"I can see it, too. I can see you doing that with my child, too, Aunt Raleigh teaching her nephew or niece how to bake." He ducks his head as he laughs, and it's the first time he's really talked about having kids to anyone other than Joel, but the image is incredible. "You're going to do amazing things here, Raleigh. I know you are."

TW: Mention of death (?)

[callmeemily]

Her face twisted as she looked down at her lap. "I've never had the chance to say goodbye. I know-" Her chin wobbles, and she rubs a hand over cheek, leaving a streak of dirt behind. "I know what it's like, twice, I've literally been saved by a miracle, and I know what it's like to regret it so-" She pulls in a breath. "So I wrote it all down while I still could, because I knew it was starting- I knew I was starting to get sick, and it would have just been a couple of days and there's this thing that happens, and-" She pressed her hands to her face, and then runs them up into her hair, finally looking over at him.

"Joel was never supposed to get that letter unless we didn't get off that island, and I couldn't- you can't just have that conversation with someone because no one wants to have it, and I get it, that's why I wrote it down, but it's- I'm so sorry that he found it. And that you know about it." She shakes her head. "I burned it. It's gone."

She pulled in a deep breath. "It's so- It's so weird, and Joel can't understand- he just can't, but it's- What happened on that island, it's... better. It's better. Because both of the other times I had no say, no control, no-" She's saying it because Spencer is the only one who could understand. She realised that about three minutes ago, that he's the only one. "And for once, I was able to be the person-" She scrubs at her cheek again, sniffling once.

"I was able to make a choice, and it's never been like that and it was okay."

She wasn't expecting them to talk about this, and she huffs out a breath. "It was okay, and that's important, and maybe I'm a little more okay now."

Tipping her head back, Raleigh takes a deep breath, and then from somewhere, there's a laugh. "How soon should I be looking at baking lessons?" She raises her eyebrows as she looks at him, still damp, still catching her breath, but it's better, and she doesn't even think before she moves to squeeze his hand. To just have that connection. "I mean, I just need to know if we're talking soon, or like... five years," she says as she raises her eyebrows. "If you know, anyway."

Licking her lips, she shakes her head slightly. "You both will be amazing parents." The words are soft. "You know that, right? Good dads."

Re: TW: Mention of death (?)

[doublethepain]

Burning it doesn't make the letter gone, not by a long shot, but Spencer doesn't say that because it would only make her feel even more unnecessarily guilty about the letter still ending up in Joel's hands. His boyfriend is a strong man, the strongest Spencer has ever known, but Joel tends to be more outwardly emotional than he'd might like to think or admit. Spencer had seen the pain behind his expression, had heard the disappointment and anger in himself in Joel's voice at not having seen that Raleigh was in worse shape than he'd thought--and of course Joel would blame himself for that, Spencer blames himself, too, and they're peas in a pod for being the kind of people who bear the weight of responsibility for other people when they'd been suffering themselves.

Joel couldn't have been expected to notice much of anything with the condition he'd been in, and Spencer... well, Spencer still doesn't think he has much of an excuse. Though the paranoia had lasted, the hallucinations had stopped within the first day he'd been stung, and he'd been heavily concussed with a ringing in his ears that hadn't quite faded until they got home but in spite of all that, Spencer thinks he should have been keeping a better eye on her. He'd been so focused on Joel, on making sure that Joel's leg was okay and that Joel was comfortable, and he doesn't regret that at all but it's clear now that Raleigh had been suffering alone.

That's why he wants to make it so abundantly clear that she won't be kicked to the curb just because he and Joel are going to be starting a new chapter of their lives together. She's not alone, even if she still believes herself to be sometimes, and he wants to work harder at proving that. He's not keen on losing anyone else. His father had been a blow, especially at such a young age, but he thinks he damn well nearly lost his mind after what his mother and brother's deaths. There'd been a few moments when he'd questioned whether any of this was still worth it--this life, one suddenly so void of love and compassion and replaced with disgust and disdain. He'd felt it from so many different directions, so much hate for something he never could have been capable of doing in the first place, and none of those awful feelings could even begin to account for how utterly destroyed he'd been because he'd lost the two people who'd meant the most in the world to him.

They mean the world to him, Joel and Raleigh, and sometimes he'll wake up in the morning to an empty space next to him in bed and his chest will just seize with fear. The notion that he might walk downstairs one day to find Joel or Raleigh's body motionless in their backyard is beyond horrifying, it's an actual nightmare that Spencer has lived through before and never wants to live through again.

"You're a little more okay now," he repeats, and he wonders if his face looks as clammy as it feels as he wrings his hands in his lap. He needs to take his mind off this subject, needs to be able to look at Raleigh right now without picturing her about ten shades paler and drained of her blood, this is an image he wants to erase from his mind's eye forever so he forces a smile.

"I really couldn't tell you," he says honestly, shrugging a shoulder. "We're not exactly in a rush, we just know that someday, that's what we want." His expression softens, his smile becoming more genuine as he thinks back to the night they'd spent in the hot tub, the night that Joel had proposed to him before the cruise had become the trip from hell. He thinks of how they'd told each other the exact same thing, that they'd both make excellent fathers, and Spencer has to admit that he thinks it's true. He has to take a breath before his emotions threaten to overwhelm him, and he blows it back out slowly and gives her hand a squeeze in return. "I suspect that it'll happen when the time is just right, as everything else seems to happen when I'm with Joel."