"You can," he answers with a vague nod, finally marking his place in the book so he can set it aside for later.
He's only on the third book, but he'd gotten off to a a bit of a slow start since he'd picked up the first after Joel had left for work that morning and besides that, he's been terribly distracted from all of what's happened over the course of the last few days. He's seen very little of people since the evening of Coop's party, in fact, and that includes Raleigh. It's not that he doesn't normally enjoy her company, whether she actually believes that to be true or not, but this is simply what he's always done when he's facing something difficult.
He withdraws. He becomes closed off, less willing to put on a mask of someone happy to brave the day. He knows he'll never give up, not like he'd come so close to doing even just a few months ago; he's not going to give up now that he's found someone who loves him, who wants to marry him, who wants to start a family with him. Joel has seen him at his very worst and stayed, a seemingly tall order for anyone who doesn't understand what their relationship is like, but what continues to surprise Spencer--perhaps unfairly--is that Raleigh has stayed, too.
He's never viewed her as weak or naive because of her size or age, she's seen and lived through far too much to be either of those things in most aspects of her life. In spite of that, though, Spencer has never wanted any of his own baggage to be a burden on her. He'd failed terribly in preventing that from happening the day he'd had his panic attack downstairs, and he hates that she'd felt guilty for it when there's really nothing that could have been done. It was bound to happen eventually, after all, glasses break all the time, and he'd already been vulnerable from an encounter with Eli that morning; but he knows he'd have felt just as guilty if their positions were reversed, so he understands it, but she'd done her best for him. She'd been astute enough to call the one person who could fix it, had cleaned the glass later even though she'd cut herself, had made sure there'd be no evidence left but a memory.
It's what they'll always do for each other, he thinks. They'll take care of each other, as a loving family does, and he's getting better at accepting that but it's difficult after feeling so alone for so long. Trust is hard to come by for a man like himself, and he does trust Raleigh--very deeply, in fact--so the idea that she'd come close enough to believing that this, that simply sitting together eating soup and talking about books, might never happen again affects him almost as harshly as discovering his brother's death had.
He realizes then that he's been quiet for too long, sipping absently on his soup in between thoughts, and he meets her eyes after another beat. He has no idea whether Joel had mentioned his arrest to her--would suspect he'd be a bit too embarrassed to bring it up on his own--or what Eli had done, and the words still resonate in his mind. You don't belong in this town, you never did. Nobody would've got you from that lighthouse if you weren't putting out. He knows Eli isn't the one who believes that, even if Spencer knows it to be untrue himself, but having those words thrown at him, having Eli be physical with him in a way he hadn't since high school, had been all the more humiliating in front of that crowd of people.
He's just glad Raleigh hadn't seen it because it had been bad enough Joel had.
"How--" His voice catches, and he has to clear his throat, his cheeks turning slightly pink. "How did you like Coop's party? Did you have a good time?"
no subject
He's only on the third book, but he'd gotten off to a a bit of a slow start since he'd picked up the first after Joel had left for work that morning and besides that, he's been terribly distracted from all of what's happened over the course of the last few days. He's seen very little of people since the evening of Coop's party, in fact, and that includes Raleigh. It's not that he doesn't normally enjoy her company, whether she actually believes that to be true or not, but this is simply what he's always done when he's facing something difficult.
He withdraws. He becomes closed off, less willing to put on a mask of someone happy to brave the day. He knows he'll never give up, not like he'd come so close to doing even just a few months ago; he's not going to give up now that he's found someone who loves him, who wants to marry him, who wants to start a family with him. Joel has seen him at his very worst and stayed, a seemingly tall order for anyone who doesn't understand what their relationship is like, but what continues to surprise Spencer--perhaps unfairly--is that Raleigh has stayed, too.
He's never viewed her as weak or naive because of her size or age, she's seen and lived through far too much to be either of those things in most aspects of her life. In spite of that, though, Spencer has never wanted any of his own baggage to be a burden on her. He'd failed terribly in preventing that from happening the day he'd had his panic attack downstairs, and he hates that she'd felt guilty for it when there's really nothing that could have been done. It was bound to happen eventually, after all, glasses break all the time, and he'd already been vulnerable from an encounter with Eli that morning; but he knows he'd have felt just as guilty if their positions were reversed, so he understands it, but she'd done her best for him. She'd been astute enough to call the one person who could fix it, had cleaned the glass later even though she'd cut herself, had made sure there'd be no evidence left but a memory.
It's what they'll always do for each other, he thinks. They'll take care of each other, as a loving family does, and he's getting better at accepting that but it's difficult after feeling so alone for so long. Trust is hard to come by for a man like himself, and he does trust Raleigh--very deeply, in fact--so the idea that she'd come close enough to believing that this, that simply sitting together eating soup and talking about books, might never happen again affects him almost as harshly as discovering his brother's death had.
He realizes then that he's been quiet for too long, sipping absently on his soup in between thoughts, and he meets her eyes after another beat. He has no idea whether Joel had mentioned his arrest to her--would suspect he'd be a bit too embarrassed to bring it up on his own--or what Eli had done, and the words still resonate in his mind. You don't belong in this town, you never did. Nobody would've got you from that lighthouse if you weren't putting out. He knows Eli isn't the one who believes that, even if Spencer knows it to be untrue himself, but having those words thrown at him, having Eli be physical with him in a way he hadn't since high school, had been all the more humiliating in front of that crowd of people.
He's just glad Raleigh hadn't seen it because it had been bad enough Joel had.
"How--" His voice catches, and he has to clear his throat, his cheeks turning slightly pink. "How did you like Coop's party? Did you have a good time?"