Joel had made mention of the conversation he'd had with Raleigh, bits and pieces of it that had only become up because that night, Joel had crawled into bed with a groan and collapsed face down onto his pillow before Spencer had chuckled and taken pity on him, rubbing his shoulders that had been aching from the work Joel had done at the bakery. Spencer had been certain Joel would fall asleep easily, in spite of his insomniac tendencies, and Spencer had already been thinking about how he'd turn on the TV to watch some late night talk show or awful infomercial that would lull him into a blissful slumber. But Joel had surprised him by turning on his cheek and stilling one of Spencer's hands with his own.
"You know you'll always be safe with me, right?"
Spencer had known, Joel had explained; but he lets Raleigh talk because he thinks she needs to. It's strange to be on the other side of things, to be someone who isn't drowning on dry land in his own personal pool of tragedy, in the hell he hadn't realized he'd been living until Joel had shown him how much better everything could be. She's struggling with her words but he's patient, he has nowhere to be but here and for her, and he lengthens his arm to invite her closer because he can see how hard she's trying, the way she rubs her arms, and he's not exactly know for his love of physical contact but sometimes it just helps.
He remembers being in the lighthouse, Joel with his back to him as they'd faced Mark Fuller. Joel had held his hand back for Spencer to take, a protective and comforting gesture all rolled into one, and Spencer had curled his ziptied wrists and broken fingers so that he could have that touch. It hasn't dissolved the dread he'd felt but it had helped, and he knows that this is hardly the same situation but it's all he wants to do. Help.
"Nobody wants people to see that they're broken," he tells her. "It hurts enough to know it ourselves, doesn't it? When others start to catch on, sometimes it feels almost like a failure. I know what it's like." He pauses for a moment, staring into the fireplace and watching the flames dance and crackle and pop. "After my mom and brother died, I didn't cry. Everything happened so fast, she was dead and I was in a jail cell and Dane was dead, and I wanted so badly to convince myself that I could handle it all that I didn't cry. After they let me go and we had the funeral, it was... I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't keep up the facade. I think I cried more that day than I have in my entire life. It wasn't just fifteen, thirty minutes, it was hours and hours of tears constantly streaming down my face."
He turns back to look at her, though he can't seen to hold her gaze and his eyes flicker between hers and the couch. "After Mark, I locked myself in the house until I looked in the mirror and couldn't see my own reflection without seeing his beside me. I got my hair cut so I wouldn't have to think of him pulling on it every time he wanted to hit me again. It was just another way to hide, to try to forget what had happened, but we can't just forget those things because they're painful or because we're afraid of what people will think of is if they find out we're not the well-oiled machines we want them to believe we are. Raleigh, if there's one thing I want you to remember, it's that you don't have to be afraid to ask for help. The world isn't going to shatter if you stumble or if I fall, it'll just keep going until we can't catch up. We need to stay caught up. But we can't do that alone."
Spencer has no idea if anything he's saying is helpful or useful or any of those things he hopes it would be. All he knows is that he doesn't want Raleigh to feel like she has to put on an act when there's so much more going on underneath the surface.
"You're not alone," he reminds her. "I know you feel like you need to be the strong one for everyone else but... But you deserve to be taken care of, too."
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"You know you'll always be safe with me, right?"
Spencer had known, Joel had explained; but he lets Raleigh talk because he thinks she needs to. It's strange to be on the other side of things, to be someone who isn't drowning on dry land in his own personal pool of tragedy, in the hell he hadn't realized he'd been living until Joel had shown him how much better everything could be. She's struggling with her words but he's patient, he has nowhere to be but here and for her, and he lengthens his arm to invite her closer because he can see how hard she's trying, the way she rubs her arms, and he's not exactly know for his love of physical contact but sometimes it just helps.
He remembers being in the lighthouse, Joel with his back to him as they'd faced Mark Fuller. Joel had held his hand back for Spencer to take, a protective and comforting gesture all rolled into one, and Spencer had curled his ziptied wrists and broken fingers so that he could have that touch. It hasn't dissolved the dread he'd felt but it had helped, and he knows that this is hardly the same situation but it's all he wants to do. Help.
"Nobody wants people to see that they're broken," he tells her. "It hurts enough to know it ourselves, doesn't it? When others start to catch on, sometimes it feels almost like a failure. I know what it's like." He pauses for a moment, staring into the fireplace and watching the flames dance and crackle and pop. "After my mom and brother died, I didn't cry. Everything happened so fast, she was dead and I was in a jail cell and Dane was dead, and I wanted so badly to convince myself that I could handle it all that I didn't cry. After they let me go and we had the funeral, it was... I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't keep up the facade. I think I cried more that day than I have in my entire life. It wasn't just fifteen, thirty minutes, it was hours and hours of tears constantly streaming down my face."
He turns back to look at her, though he can't seen to hold her gaze and his eyes flicker between hers and the couch. "After Mark, I locked myself in the house until I looked in the mirror and couldn't see my own reflection without seeing his beside me. I got my hair cut so I wouldn't have to think of him pulling on it every time he wanted to hit me again. It was just another way to hide, to try to forget what had happened, but we can't just forget those things because they're painful or because we're afraid of what people will think of is if they find out we're not the well-oiled machines we want them to believe we are. Raleigh, if there's one thing I want you to remember, it's that you don't have to be afraid to ask for help. The world isn't going to shatter if you stumble or if I fall, it'll just keep going until we can't catch up. We need to stay caught up. But we can't do that alone."
Spencer has no idea if anything he's saying is helpful or useful or any of those things he hopes it would be. All he knows is that he doesn't want Raleigh to feel like she has to put on an act when there's so much more going on underneath the surface.
"You're not alone," he reminds her. "I know you feel like you need to be the strong one for everyone else but... But you deserve to be taken care of, too."