Body language is a funny thing. The way that she's curled up in a ball says that she's scared and feeling alone and defensive - but the way she's turned towards him, the way she looks at him - it's more that it's them against the world in this moment. For Raleigh, right now he's the only one that understands, and what she told Joel last week - it's even more true, now. If something happened to either of them because of her, she'd never forgive herself.
She doesn't argue when he says he's lucky, too. She knows he is, of course he is, but when he says someone like you, she actually looks a little... surprised. Especially after today. It makes no sense, with the conversation they'd been having, but she thought he was talking about Joel. He was lucky because he had Joel, but he talks about her, that she's one of the most kind-hearted people he knows, and her brows furrow.
"I just... bake," she says quietly. I just bake, because that's how she looks at her life. She had to leave Boston and ended up here, and stuck her head in the sand and wasn't brave enough to step out of her shell for months. She'd kept to herself, but then she'd gotten- she made stupid choices, because she was lonely. That's why she finally stepped out and talked to people, how she met Spencer and Joel both. "You're not bad, Spencer. You're not." She shakes her head. "I... you have been so kind and generous, I try-" She has to stop for a second, and her chin quivers. She's been trying so hard to be honest, these days. She's been trying so hard, and that's why she'd had such gut-wrenching conversations with Joel.
Joel says it, Levi says it, Spencer, Les, and Coop. They all say it - that she's a good person, but she knows she keeps everything so close to the vest, she is terrified that they'd lift up the rock of who she is and see all the bugs and change their minds. She keeps such a careful facade, and she'd only told Joel.
She's not worried about other people thinking she's a terrible person, to be honest. Raleigh's worried she just is a bad person. That she keeps it hidden, but she is, because she's a coward; because she hid even though it got her anyway. That she hadn't gone to the Siren Cove police, or even told anyone what'd happened for such a long time. She can believe that they believe it, the group of men who had somehow become so incredibly integral to her life. Herself, though...
Herself is another story. "You say it like it's a chore. Befriending you. The moment I met you, you fed me your sandwich, remember? That's not exactly you being unfriendly." She rubs her arms - she's so goddamned cold, so cold all the time. "I... Uhm." Her eyes dart to the clock, and she hesitates, her tongue flicking over her lips because she's nervous. Quiet and raw, her voice wavers as she speaks. "If... If you have a minute- I.. .uh. I talked to Joel, the other day - I don't know if he told you, but-"
She pulls in another breath. "I, uh." She takes a deep breath while forcing a small smile. "I guess I'm having a hard time, right now?" The end of it lilts up in a question, and this... it's apparently her being honest. Her... trying as hard as she can to ask for help instead of just... shoving it all down as far as it can go. "And.. uh. I-"
She remembers, how much she told Spencer right when it'd happened, back in June. How much she'd written to Joel in August, too, but how much she'd told him about her knowing she wouldn't be okay. She's wondered a little, over the last three months, if he's wondered why all the things she said she'd have problems with never seemed to show up, minus the one nightmare he'd actually come to save her from.
Levi knows a little, Joel knows a little, Coop knows a little - she'd ended up on his doorstep out of the blue, after all. But Spencer knows the most, and he doesn't even- he's not seen most of it, because she tries so incredibly hard to hold herself together. To pull herself together until she's alone, because she was scared they'd think that living in this house wasn't good for her; to not hurt them more with the way she is. She's done this before, Spencer hadn't, and he was still recovering from what Mark did to him, and the thought of making that worse - it was worse than any hurt.
Raleigh rubs her arms with her hands, and she forces herself to at least look at the couch, even if she can't quite look at him, until she finally speaks. "I... uh." It's the third time she's made that sound, because she doesn't know what to say next. Trying to reach out for help is foreign to her. "I have always been the one in my family who has all of their crap in order," she finally says quietly. "And I've always had to be that, because if I didn't, everything falls part." Her gaze finally finds his, and she swallows thickly, twisting her hands together just out of habit. "But- But I just-" There's too many things, now. There's too many pieces and too much hurt and she's not okay, no matter how many times she says she is. "I don't know what to say," she says after a second, her shoulders hunched slightly. "Just... just that I- I know I'm- I guess I just... can hide it well." She hides how wrong things are, but... he should know, even as she still tries to fix it.
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She doesn't argue when he says he's lucky, too. She knows he is, of course he is, but when he says someone like you, she actually looks a little... surprised. Especially after today. It makes no sense, with the conversation they'd been having, but she thought he was talking about Joel. He was lucky because he had Joel, but he talks about her, that she's one of the most kind-hearted people he knows, and her brows furrow.
"I just... bake," she says quietly. I just bake, because that's how she looks at her life. She had to leave Boston and ended up here, and stuck her head in the sand and wasn't brave enough to step out of her shell for months. She'd kept to herself, but then she'd gotten- she made stupid choices, because she was lonely. That's why she finally stepped out and talked to people, how she met Spencer and Joel both. "You're not bad, Spencer. You're not." She shakes her head. "I... you have been so kind and generous, I try-" She has to stop for a second, and her chin quivers. She's been trying so hard to be honest, these days. She's been trying so hard, and that's why she'd had such gut-wrenching conversations with Joel.
Joel says it, Levi says it, Spencer, Les, and Coop. They all say it - that she's a good person, but she knows she keeps everything so close to the vest, she is terrified that they'd lift up the rock of who she is and see all the bugs and change their minds. She keeps such a careful facade, and she'd only told Joel.
She's not worried about other people thinking she's a terrible person, to be honest. Raleigh's worried she just is a bad person. That she keeps it hidden, but she is, because she's a coward; because she hid even though it got her anyway. That she hadn't gone to the Siren Cove police, or even told anyone what'd happened for such a long time. She can believe that they believe it, the group of men who had somehow become so incredibly integral to her life. Herself, though...
Herself is another story. "You say it like it's a chore. Befriending you. The moment I met you, you fed me your sandwich, remember? That's not exactly you being unfriendly." She rubs her arms - she's so goddamned cold, so cold all the time. "I... Uhm." Her eyes dart to the clock, and she hesitates, her tongue flicking over her lips because she's nervous. Quiet and raw, her voice wavers as she speaks. "If... If you have a minute- I.. .uh. I talked to Joel, the other day - I don't know if he told you, but-"
She pulls in another breath. "I, uh." She takes a deep breath while forcing a small smile. "I guess I'm having a hard time, right now?" The end of it lilts up in a question, and this... it's apparently her being honest. Her... trying as hard as she can to ask for help instead of just... shoving it all down as far as it can go. "And.. uh. I-"
She remembers, how much she told Spencer right when it'd happened, back in June. How much she'd written to Joel in August, too, but how much she'd told him about her knowing she wouldn't be okay. She's wondered a little, over the last three months, if he's wondered why all the things she said she'd have problems with never seemed to show up, minus the one nightmare he'd actually come to save her from.
Levi knows a little, Joel knows a little, Coop knows a little - she'd ended up on his doorstep out of the blue, after all. But Spencer knows the most, and he doesn't even- he's not seen most of it, because she tries so incredibly hard to hold herself together. To pull herself together until she's alone, because she was scared they'd think that living in this house wasn't good for her; to not hurt them more with the way she is. She's done this before, Spencer hadn't, and he was still recovering from what Mark did to him, and the thought of making that worse - it was worse than any hurt.
Raleigh rubs her arms with her hands, and she forces herself to at least look at the couch, even if she can't quite look at him, until she finally speaks. "I... uh." It's the third time she's made that sound, because she doesn't know what to say next. Trying to reach out for help is foreign to her. "I have always been the one in my family who has all of their crap in order," she finally says quietly. "And I've always had to be that, because if I didn't, everything falls part." Her gaze finally finds his, and she swallows thickly, twisting her hands together just out of habit. "But- But I just-" There's too many things, now. There's too many pieces and too much hurt and she's not okay, no matter how many times she says she is. "I don't know what to say," she says after a second, her shoulders hunched slightly. "Just... just that I- I know I'm- I guess I just... can hide it well." She hides how wrong things are, but... he should know, even as she still tries to fix it.
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